


Distance

by PaperBirdhouses



Series: Unloathsome Defects [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: ANOTHER rewrite, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto), Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 Dynamics (Naruto), Established Relationship, F/M, Genin Era, Humor, Protective Uchiha Sasuke, Smart Uzumaki Naruto, Strong Haruno Sakura, Team as Family, can gratuitous PDA be classified as psychological warfare? discuss, oooooh wooooow, or like at least light, thank god the naruto rewrite stock was plummeting down to the negatives cant have that, this is incredibly indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 18:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20492936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaperBirdhouses/pseuds/PaperBirdhouses
Summary: Sasuke and Sakura have been at each other's sides since the beginning, and nothing could ever tear them apart, to the chagrin of everyone around them. Now, they must learn to become something much larger than just themselves as they become full-fledged shinobi of the leaf.





	1. Prologue: Sakura- the truth comes in threes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura does her hair and thinks on team assignments.

At the tender age of six, Haruno Sakura was sure of three things: one) bullies were buffoons who were not worth the dirt underneath her shoe, two) she desperately wanted to be a ninja above all else, and three) Uchiha Sasuke was the nicest boy she had ever met.

At the tender age of seven, Haruno Sakura learned her three truest loves: one) her home, her Konoha, which she loved for the quiet snowfalls of its winter, the gentle breezes of its spring, chirping cicadas in its summers, and the somber stillness of its autumns, two) the dango dumplings from a certain stand on the other side of the village, which she loved for their gentle yet sweet taste and three) Uchiha Sasuke, who she loved with a ferocity which she should not be capable of at her age, but she was certain she would hold it to her last breath.

At the tender age of eight, Haruno Sakura learned there were three things in her life which she needed to protect above all else: one) her beloved village, two) her parents, who loved her unconditionally, and three) Uchiha Sasuke, the boy who protected her first, the boy who she loved, the boy who lost everything.

She held these truths close to her heart, all throughout her schooling and all the way up to the day of her graduation from the Ninja Academy. She continued to hold them the day after her graduation from the academy, and she expected to carry them further still. 

Sakura stood before her mirror and impatiently tugged at her hair, unwilling as it was to remain neatly in its braid. Umino-sensei would finally be announcing the genin team assignments, and she was beyond nervous. She knew that no matter what, she had to be on Sasuke’s team, it was all she had worked towards for all four of her years at the academy.

Sakura worried her lip, thinking that perhaps her gambit of letting Yamanaka win top kunoichi was a mistake after all. She quickly dismissed the thought, knowing that the village hasn’t split the Ino-Shika-Cho team for five generations for good reason, and that the Hokage valued team balance too much to put another heavy hitter on a team with the rookie of the year. Sakura made sure to know the tradition well, she constantly badgered jonin that made the mistake of hanging around the library for too long for information. According to them, the rookie of the year was always paired with the one with the highest written scores and the lowest overall physical scores. She had done the right thing in devoting more time to the books, she had to believe that. Yes, she was sure of it.

Her eyes wandered from her reflection and she smiled fondly at the photo that she lovingly tacked on the upper corner of her mirror. She sees her own bright smile alongside Sasuke’s more subdued expression. She knows for certain that she ordered two prints of the photo, but she seemed to have misplaced the other copy. How very convenient for Sasuke, who claimed he knew nothing of it. She strode out of her bedroom, the heaviness on her shoulders slightly lighter.

Her thoughts circled back to team assignments as she made her way down to the kitchen. She tugged at her headband she tied around her neck, the fabric uncomfortable against her skin, the only uncertainty left was the final slot. She kept her suspicions that their final teammate would be none other than Uzumaki Naruto, who Sasuke hated with such disproportionate passion, to herself. She didn’t want to bother Sasuke with her half baked speculations that would only serve to put him in a mood. It didn’t seem worth it to acknowledge that as sure as he and Sakura would be on a team together, Uzumaki would be right there with them.

But then Uzumaki had gone and failed the final exam, so who else would the village assign with the last Uchiha and a civilian-born?

On her way out, she stepped into her kitchen to grab a quick breakfast for herself and Sasuke. She ran through all the names of those who graduated in her class, frustrated to find that she could not imagine any of the other students being put on a team with her and Sasuke. Other than Yamanaka's team, there were only three other notable students: Hyuuga-san, Aburame, and Inuzuka. Aburame was a definite no, he was always just behind her for written scores and Hyuuga was even less likely to be chosen. Her father had a lot of sway on the council and there was no way he was going to stand for her being on the same team as an Uchiha. Apparently, clan rivalry between the two still ran strong, even when there was barely any blood running at all on one side.

“Perhaps Inuzuka-san?” Sakura mumbled against her knuckles as she contemplated an insidious bunch of grapes as if they were personally responsible for Uzumaki's failure.

She slammed the fridge door shut, fed up with the dead end she had cornered herself into. There was nothing for it now, the Hokage must have made the decision hours ago by now.

The house was empty, her parents had already left hours prior to tend to their shop, so she left the curtains closed. It was a shame she could not see her parents one last time before receiving her headband, but they all shared a rambunctious dinner with Sasuke the night before. Her father had embarrassingly broken out his bottle of sake he had been saving for the occasion, and only two cups in he loudly blubbered how proud he was. Mebuki, who fixed her husband with a stare of contemptuous embarrassment, was not as understanding as Sasuke, who indulgently nodded at appropriate times during Kizashi’s bawled ramblings. 

As soon as they finished eating, Mebuki had dragged the sobbing “useless, brainless drunkard” upstairs and kindly told the two not to let the moron damper the celebration. The two shrugged at each other before putting on a movie which even the next morning Sakura could not remember the name of.

At some point during the movie, Sakura peeked up from the large plush like creature napping on the screen to look up at Sasuke, whose arm she had possessively clutched close to her chest. Feeling her eyes on him, Sasuke looked down and tilted his head in tacit question, eyes narrowed in concern, though the rest of his face did not betray anything else.

She asked him softly, as the television hummed a gentle tune, if he was scared.

Sasuke sat silently for a moment, staring into her eyes, before his eyes fixated on one of the awful doilies her mother set on the coffee table in deep thought. She waited patiently.

When he finally spoke a whispered affirmation, with his voice faltering in a way that cracked her heart, Sakura shifted from her perch. She stood her knees on the sofa, before leaning down to wrap herself around him, settling herself in the crook of his neck.

He stilled and regarded her wordlessly, until she softly breathed, “me too."

Her words sunk into his skin and she heard his breath hitch in his throat. He then settled them to sink further into the sofa, wrapping an arm around her and resting his chin on her shoulder, quietly breathing in the apple scented shampoo she knew he liked.

She did not know how long they sat there on the sofa, but she remembered being soothed to sleep his sturdiness underneath her and the gentle rocking of each breath he took. She woke up in her bed that morning a little disoriented, though not surprised. She felt a little guilty that she let herself fall asleep and that Sasuke ended up going home without her being able to even wish him a proper goodnight.

She rested her hand on the fridge door, almost in a silent apology for her early abuse, thinking of Sasuke trudging home to his bare, utilitarian living quarters to retire alone as his last night as a civilian. Her teeth bit her lip again, and she clenched at the two sensible portions of breakfast her mother had left out for them.

Before she could be lost in her thoughts again, she shook her head slightly, knowing that Sasuke was already outside waiting for her. Despite herself, she stopped at her front door and discreetly opened it just a crack, lingering at the doorstep for a moment, unsurprised to see Sasuke tapping his sandals out next to her mailbox. Through the sliver between the door and doorjamb she reverently drank in his serene profile studying in the flowers her father tended to near the gate. She watched as he let out a silent sigh and gently thumbed the red carnation standing tall among the sea of its white brethren. 

She still remembered the way her father pouted petulantly at the red flower blooming irreverently, it swayed lightly in the springtime breeze, unbothered by the man’s frustrated wails of disappointment. Sakura was long used to her father’s emotional outbursts so she felt mostly indifferent to his frustrated gesturing at the lone crimson flower. She liked flowers as much as anyone else, but it seemed silly to try to control the way they looked when they serve no actual purpose. Once she had seen Sasuke smile fondly at the aberration though, she inexplicably felt a great love towards the glorified weed. 

Suddenly not wanting to dally any longer, she yanked the door open to barrel towards him, barely skidding to a stop in front of the boy to squeak out a cheerful greeting.

Sasuke, for his part, nodded solemnly, with a hint of a smile resting near his eyes, Sakura brightened all the more for it. He then expectantly held out his arm for her, waiting for her to grab and clutch at it as she always did so they can set out for the day. Deciding to tease him a little bit, Sakura held up the two boxes with their breakfast apologetically, not even flinching when abruptly snatched them and cradled them in his other arm. He huffed shook his outstretched arm at her again.

As Sakura giggled into his elbow, she tried to ignore the foreboding twist that lodged at the base of her throat. Today, she and Sasuke would be given their first team assignment, and fulfill their part in protecting the village. She knew that they had chosen a path of danger and death, the thought only sunk the stone further down to her belly. She walked in silence for a little longer, trying to free herself from her reverie, but ultimately failing in her endeavor.

To her surprise, Sasuke slid his arm out of her grasp, but before she could pout he clumsily slotted his fingers alongside hers, refusing to look her in the eye. Sakura gaped at him for a moment, before giving him a wide toothy grin. Sasuke could only harrumph and pretend not to notice the heat tickling his ears.

Hand in hand, they ambled their way to the academy, Sakura chattering about how she was excited to learn more advanced chakra applications from an actual jonin. Sasuke hummed and nodded in seemingly indifferent agreement, holding on to his arm, Sakura could tell he was shaking with barely contained excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been kicking around in my notes for i wanna say 3 years? so its p ripe i'd say. anyway this chap is kinda short just to get the ball rolling, next one should be out soon! thanks for reading!  
sidenote i havent written in So Long so like pls be kind to me i am Fragile.


	2. Kakashi- the bell test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi meets his team and is suddenly and inexplicably reminded that the mortality rate for rookie genin is absurdly high.

Once again, the shinobi academy and teaming system have both severely failed Kakashi. The dossiers on his new team made for a long, increasingly painful read. Uzumaki was a halfwitted, childish delinquent, no bones about it, but his other two charges were harder to place. Uzumaki actively made life difficult for any adult within a five mile radius of his person at all times, his teammates though, according to the daily reports, barely seemed to register that they even had superior officers. A few of the recountings were particularly striking. 

“Uchiha Sasuke has been formally reprimanded for the gross insubordination of a direct superior. Uchiha willfully defied a direct order to remain in his assigned seat multiple times. His punishment is to write lines for thirty minutes after classes for the duration of one week. He is also banned from interacting with Haruno Sakura for reasons outside of school work while on school grounds for the duration of his punishment.”

“Haruno Sakura has been formally reprimanded for initiating and engaging in several displays of inappropriate public displays of affection. For this blatant violation of academy guidelines, Haruno has been suspended from her classes for the duration of three days, and is barred from entering the school grounds during that time.”

And then, an addendum to that report on the same page:

“Haruno Sakura’s suspension has been extended to ten days for violating the conditions of her suspension by trespassing on school grounds. Uchiha Sasuke has also been suspended for three days for being an accomplice in her transgression.”

The other reports were more or less along the same lines of petty misbehavior, except for one which truly gave Kakashi pause in his readings.

“Haruno Sakura has been formally reprimanded for assaulting Suzuki Ami,” it read. “Haruno insists that she only acted forcibly to 'protect' Uchiha Sasuke. Suzuki claims that she had only been speaking to Uchiha Sasuke and did not provoke Haruno in any way. Uchiha alleges that Suzuki has ignored repeated requests to cease speaking with him and she had persisted in harassing him. In light of this act of violence, the administration has deemed a docking of thirty points from Haruno’s exam scores as punishment.”

Since that particular incident, the two behaved more sensibly, though were still spotted around campus being “disgustingly lovey-dovey” for their last couple years of schooling. Sometimes they were even spotted sitting under a tree, holding hands and eating sweets together. He knew newlyweds who were less embarrassing. Or, well, he kind of assumed even newlyweds wouldn’t be so embarrassing.

Why on Earth did they get put on a team together? This seemed like a massive disaster waiting to happen. It couldn’t be because of that dumb tradition, could it?

_ They probably aren’t that bad. _ A small, shrill optimistic voice squeaked from the back of his head. Romantically intertwined Shinobi were always a little weird, it shouldn’t be that strange to see it in younger genin. The Hokage wouldn’t set him up with a team destined for failure and then force him to pass and train them. There had to be some sort of labor law against that, right?

With a fierce, unwarranted, shining faith in his Hokage, Kakashi strode through the academy halls and towards the by now nearly empty classroom. It didn’t matter what some sleep-deprived chunin wrote in some report, these ankle-biters were just genin, and he was a seasoned jonin.

He expected the eraser to fall on his head, he did not expect two thirds of his team snuggled up in the corner of the classroom. Just as aggressively oblivious to the presence of authority as the reports said they would be. The sight delayed him and he stood awkwardly for a few moments, jaw working around empty words which never made it past his throat.

Finally he croaked, “my first impression of you all,” his mouth quietly clicked shut and he had to take another moment to collect himself when he heard the girl sigh dreamily.

“I hate you.”

Minato-sensei’s spawn looked scandalized, the Uchiha looked slightly perturbed, and Kakashi strongly doubted that Haruno even heard him.

“Meet me on the roof in five minutes.”

He flash stepped away in an impressive show of barely chunin level skill before any of the genin could get a word in. While Uzumaki gaped at the smoke kicked up by the display, Kakashi silently slipped behind a corner and observed them from the hallway.

The Uchiha snarled, prompting the girl to look up at him from his side.

“This is all your fault, dumbass.”

The growled insult was enough for Uzumaki to glare with so much heat that Kakashi was afraid that the blond was about to launch across the desk and attack the other boy.

“What the hell did you just call me?!”

“All you’ve ever done is rank dead last in every possible subject, now it’s your fault that our jonin instructor hates us already.”

Naruto looked like he was about to burst a blood vessel.

“You bastard,” he ground out.

“You gotta lot of nerve saying that looking like that. Even a dead last like me knows you’re not supposed to act like that in front of a superior officer,” he screeched, pointing an accusing finger at the still attached couple.

Before the Uchiha spit more venom, the girl abruptly stood from her seat, dragging him with her.

“Enough,” she said evenly. “We need to go meet our instructor.”

The Uchiha huffed but didn’t say anything else.

“Sasuke-kun, let’s go.”

She gave the blond a firm, if coldly polite, nod before dragging the boy out of the room. “Uzumaki-san, if you wish to dally here that is your business, we will be meeting with our jonin instructor.”

Uzumaki incredulously started after the pair as they trotted off before letting out a sharp hiss and dropping his shoulders from where they were tensed up to his ears. He roughly scratched at his head and tutted to himself.

Before Kakashi flash-stepped to the roof, he heard the boy mumble, “those two are always so…argh!”

The roof was empty, so Kakashi settled on a railing and cracked his knuckles in a contemplative silence while he waited. Having a team of insubordinate adolescent delinquents probably was not ideal, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t deal with. One way or another, these punks were going to be whipped into shape. They could squabble like chickens all they wanted, until Kakashi passed them for their secondary genin exam, they weren’t even considered adults by law yet. They may as well act like children. They were children.

He had forgotten how small twelve year olds actually were. Ever since the war ended and Konoha had become more mindful with promoting ninja, he didn’t see many young shinobi out on the field. The sight of such young faces under the headband every year always jarred him for reasons he was unwilling to consider while loitering on a rooftop.

Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t have more than a few moments of respite before the idiot couple waltzed into view, Haruno swinging their arms in a way which made Kakashi dizzy. The two did not even acknowledge him at the settled themselves as they waited for their last team member. The three of them waited in an awkward silence before Minato-sensei’s son finally skidded his way to where they were sitting, panting as he hollered, “this damn school is a maze!”

To the boy’s dismay, he did not get a response from any of them, though Kakashi did think it odd that the prankster would get lost. With all the years he spent at the academy, Uzumaki should be familiar with all its winding halls, and he surely spent much of his time skipping class kicking dust on this very roof.

He suspiciously glanced at the other two, who were still off in their own world, though the girl seemed a little more giggly than how she acted when he’d seen her in the classroom. Even the stoic grump was a little giddy, one end of his mouth just barely curled in amusement. Uh-huh.

“Alright,” Kakashi let out in a practiced lazy drawl, drawing the attention of his charges, deciding to let transgressions slide until he actually passed the team.

He silently willed for the two morons to stop being fucking disgusting for two seconds, but they refused to separate, even after both he and Uzumaki stared at the pair unblinkingly for several seconds. Kakashi sighed, knowing that he had to pick his battles when taking command of a new team.

“Let’s start with introductions shall we?”

Uzumaki blinked petulantly at him and screwed his lips in a way that was so similar to Kushina that it made Kakashi’s chest ache in a way that wasn’t fair. “Isn’t it polite manners that you introduce yourself before asking others for their names?”

Kakashi gave him his only stink eye he had available but conceded, since the other two evidently still did not deign to join in on their first damn team meeting.

“My name is Hatake Kakashi, my likes are nothing you kids would understand, my dislikes are nothing you should worry about, my hobbies are, well,” he let out a giggle that was so coquettish that the girl looked up from her inspection of Uchiha’s profile to stare at him in abject shock.

“As for my dreams, I don’t particularly have any at the moment.”

All three of the genin stared at him in the same quiet, faint disdain, and Kakashi smirked from behind his mask. “You’re up, blondie.”

The boy blinked out of his stare and sunnily grinned as he adjusted his headband. “My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like ramen and I dislike that I gotta wait for the ramen to cook for 3 minutes. My hobbies are pranking and eating ramen with Iruka-sensei! My dream is to become Hokage, believe it!”

Kakashi, despite his brief stint with T&I while he was ANBU, could not tell if the kid was messing with him or not. Who the hell introduces themselves like they’re the goddamn emissary of Ramen country? The copy-nin learned not to dwell on things during wartime, so he pointed to the walking plank of wood instead of making a snide comment. “Next, the pretty one.”

To his credit, the Uchiha scion looked almost affronted, but hardened his face to be as blank as a young hormonal idiot pubescent boy could manage.

“My name is Uchiha Sasuke, the things I like are few and far in between.” The boy glanced so quickly at the girl clinging to his arm that Kakashi doubted she or Naruto noticed. “I dislike many things. I don’t have any hobbies nor do I have a dream. I do however, have a sworn duty to kill a certain man.”

Naruto grew pale and appeared violently stricken, shaking so much that his eyeballs were in danger of rattling right out of that empty head of his and straight off this damn rooftop.

Sasuke nodded resolutely, unaware or uncaring that his new teammate thinks that he wants to kill him. “And also, of course, protecting and loving Sakura with my life.”

Kakashi’s internal groan harmonized beautifully with Naruto’s loud whine of disgust.

The girl next to him looked like god himself had descended from heaven right before her eyes, and Kakashi suddenly remembered that the team dossiers given to jonin instructors went through several rounds of fact checking and investigation before being submitted to the Hokage.

“G-geez, Sasuke-kun.” Kakashi could practically see the steam coming off her cheeks.

Naruto shot up from his perch. “You see?! This is what I was talking about! Do you guys even realize there are two other people here, you idiot couple?!”

Sasuke had been stoic as he made his declaration, though it twisted scornfully at Naruto’s shrill, squeaking reprimand and shaking finger mashing into his nose.

Sakura huffed, “and who are you to judge our behavior? Last week I saw you eat an entire pack of uncooked instant ramen and then choke on the seasoning! What kind of third rate moron do you have to be to do that right in the middle of ninja trigonometry!”

Sasuke glared obliquely at the offending appendage and roughly slapped it away from his face.

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day Sakura-chan! You can’t fault me for doing what’s best for my health!”

“Uzumaki-san, I ask you again to please refrain from addressing me so familiarly. It is unbecoming and quite rude!”

“You just called me a moron! How is that less rude than me calling you Sakura-chan?”

“That’s different.”

“How?!”

“You were being a moron.”

Kakashi bared his palms in a placating way which he once saw a kindergarten ninja use on the ninja toddlers. “Now, now, let’s all calm down. I’m sure you’ve all had a long day.”

In a surprising unison, all three of the runts spun to him, spitting fire. “And whose fault is that?”

Kakashi sighed before motioning to the girl. “You’re the only one who hasn’t introduced themselves yet, why don’t you go ahead.”

Naruto clicked his tongue and glared at the ground moodily. Haruno looked like she wanted to say something else, but she swallowed whatever was in her mouth before sitting up and clasping her hands on her lap daintily.

“My name is Haruno Sakura. I like cooking for Sasuke-kun, training with Sasuke-kun, reading in the same room as Sasuke-kun, and,” she trailed off, “cats?”

She tilted her head, eyes wide with thought and her lips pouted in light concentration. Kakashi later swore up and down to the jonin sewing circle that the display was enough for the last Uchiha to tear up.

Her wide-eyed innocent expression was abruptly dropped in an instant as her pout was warped into an intense scowl, her eyes glinting dangerously to glare in Naruto’s direction.

“My dislikes are anything or anyone who would steal Sasuke-kun away from me.” Her tone was chillingly dark and dripped with malice in a way that no prepubescent girl should be capable of. Even the birds had the good sense to stop chirping, and he saw a squirrel scurry away. He could not claim that Naruto had the same sense, as the boy looked like he was intently tracking the movement of a lone ant ambling its way along at his feet.

_ Hey! Blockhead! What the hell are you doing sitting with your thumb up your ass? Do you even realize what’s going on?! _

Naruto would not look up from his impromptu wilderness study despite Kakashi’s silent warnings, and Sakura’s demeanor returned to sunshine and kittens without comment from anyone. If not for the sweat dripping from Sasuke’s temple Kakashi would have thought he had imagined the whole thing.

“My hobbies are cooking and reading, and my dream is to protect this village and everyone I love.” She ended her spiel with a bright smile, trying to endear herself to her new teacher despite ignoring his entire existence up until forty-five seconds ago.

Well, that’s… that’s them. His team he was expected to personally train for the next three years or so. Here they all are.

All things considered, Kakashi honestly wasn’t too bothered with how things were progressing. Considering how spectacularly the odds were stacked against him, this whole thing could have gone a lot worse; his team only tried to kill each other twice, those are some pretty good odds for shinobi.

“Well, now that introductions are out of the way, I’ll go ahead and explain tomorrow’s test.”

He gleefully enjoyed their gaping shock of having to pass yet another test which had even lesser odds of passing. Deciding not to dawdle for too long, he quickly went on with explaining the test, being as withholding and annoyingly unhelpful as possible. Before the whelps could yap at him more he made another show of disappearing again with a cheeky “see ya!”

He couldn't muster the will to visit the memorial stone that day, and instead walked past the training grounds to his apartment instead. His eyes glazed over the words of Icha Icha Paradise as he ruminated on all that he’d observed that day. If nothing else, he considered, trying not to sink into the door of his apartment as he opened it, this should be interesting. This was all an interesting turn of events.

He schlepped to his sofa and dropped straight onto the lumpy cushions. He always thought it interesting to see how geinin teams so often clashed horribly and then invariably imploded in on themselves. It was interesting that the Hokage assigned the jinchuriki, last Uchiha, and a girl from a civilian merchant family as the team that he was to instruct. Interesting, interesting, interesting.

He did not think about how he saw Obito’s kindness behind Naruto’s mischievous snickers and Rin’s adoration shining behind Sakura’s eyes. He did not try to parse whether or not it was a divine blessing or condemnation to see Sasuke be able to reciprocate that adoration.

Kakashi loafed around for a bit longer before absently ruffling Pakkun’s ears and standing from the sofa, and made his way to to his kitchen to fix himself some herbal tea to settle his stomach. Cradling the cup in his hands, Kakashi mentally catalogued all of what he knew about his new team’s combat abilities. He figured he may as well guess at what to expect for the coming day.

Uchiha Sasuke for all his moodiness, was every bit the heralded prodigy the rumors said he was. Exemplary taijutsu and ninjutsu and fitting written scores to boot. With the sharingan and Uchiha ninjutsu at his disposal, the kid was a genuine powerhouse. His only problem was that he was unspeakably arrogant, and often underestimated all of his sparring opponents. On the field, that would only lead to a quick death. Uchiha did not often work with others, finding them far too beneath him to ever prove themselves useful to him, the thought of having to work with Naruto for such an extended period of time probably exacerbated his grousing. His only peer who was an exception to his universal disdain was his other teammate.

Haruno Sakura, civilian born, with no shinobi relatives other than the few odd aunts and uncles who never ranked past the genin corp. It was strange that Sakura was put into the jonin track, when nearly all others assigned that year were clan heirs. Her dossier branded her as a genjutsu type for her budding talent in chakra control, though Kakashi suspected it had more to do with her average scores in all other practical areas. Her taijutsu, ninjutsu, and trap-setting scores all placed her directly in the middle, never any higher or lower than the absolute median. Her academic record made it hard to believe that it had to be more deliberate than a statistical anomaly.

Her written scores were downright unbelievable, all perfect, except for a brief period in her first year and when she was docked points as a formal reprimand. She was only ever matched by the Nara heir, who was known to only ever apply himself when he was in danger of failing. Kakashi apprehensively swirled the tea leaves in his cup.

Smart ninja, that is to say intellectual ninja, were exceedingly rare. Most ninja could get by on a honed battle instinct and never found a need to venture past that; those who fixated on the theory and application of the techniques of being a ninja never actually lasted long on the field. Kakashi took a large gulp of his still steaming tea, gravely unsettled by the thought of one of his students being reduced to another figure in the yearly genin survivability stats--an unfortunate footnote in the last Uchiha’s personnel file.

All three of these punks were troublesome. Despite predicting that the first two would be unique pains in his ass, he fully suspected his last student would be the one to send him into an early grave, or at least early retirement.

Uzumaki Naruto. The dossier was not flattering, save for some flowery excerpts shoved in by Umino. The boy scored dead last in every single subject. It was by dumb luck that he even passed the evaluation, according to the incident report from last night.

An academy student being manipulated by a chunin instructor into stealing one of the most guarded ninja techniques in the village. There wasn’t one single part of that story that was even close to normal.

But, it proved that Naruto’s greatest strength was his unpredictability, and that he was utterly ruled by his instincts. With that and his abysmal scores, he was the absolute antithesis to Sasuke’s technique and Sakura’s intellect. Those two he could work with, but with Naruto, he had no idea where to start. He couldn’t even fathom training somebody for unpredictability, even if it was the crux of any ninja's survivability.

_ Minato-sensei_, Kakashi idly wondered as he observed a spider web mounted on the outside of his kitchen window, _ what would you do? _

The next morning, after running through his morning katas, Kakashi found all sorts of ways to keep himself busy and mind off of the uncertain future. He milled around town for a few hours, visited the memorial stone, and dangled bells in front of a street cat for a good 45 minutes. He stood from his crouch and turned away from the bright eyed feline, deciding that the brats had stewed enough.

Approaching the training grounds, Kakashi hopped into a tree that was surveying the plain. There, in the middle, all slumped over each other, were the little punks each nodding off into dreamland. How cute. But also horribly irresponsible. Here it was almost noon and all three of them were here just snoozing the day away. Tut, tut, tut. And so out in the open, too. Kakashi hefted a rock he had picked up on his way to the training ground. He grinned wickedly, before chucking it so it just missed Sakura’s head.

Immediately, Sasuke jerked up, startling the girl leaning against him. The Uchiha looked around every which way, looking far too alert for somebody who was dozing so soundly only a few moments ago. And despite all the movement around him and being shunted onto the ground, Naruto was still snoring obliviously. The other two did not deign to even look at him. Sasuke was glancing around wildly, ignoring Sakura’s concerned queries.

“Don’t you sense it? Someone is here,” Sasuke said, his chest heaving with how heavily he was breathing.

Sakura looked at him quizzically, before scanning the greenery for any sign of another person. She ran her eyes across all of the trees and bushes surrounding them for a minute or so before giving up and screwing her eyes shut in exasperation.

Oh? Did this sort of thing happen often? Did Sasuke often interrupt their little dates with harried looks over the shoulder and paranoid whispers of enemies stalking the village streets? Before Kakashi could speculate further on a couple of twelve year old’s love lives, Sakura snapped her eyes open and spun to face the tree he was crouching in.

She was staring right at him. It was kind of unnerving, how wide her eyes were as they peered uncannily straight through all the leaves to where he was crouching. Kakashi was wondering just how she had pinpointed his location when she tugged lightly on Sasuke’s sleeve. That won’t do. Kakashi wanted his entrance to be more dramatic- that is to say more authoritative. He substituted himself with the rock he had thrown, appearing near Naruto’s head.

His heavy landing was enough to jolt Naruto awake, “a ghost!” he garbled and shot up from the ground. He glanced around to see both of his teammates staring apprehensively at something behind him. Naruto spun around, grasping two kunai against each other as if to perform an exorcism.

Only seeing Kakashi waving pleasantly, Naruto’s uneasy expression dropped to an affronted one.

“Hey! You’re late!” he shrieked, startling the birds out of the tree he had been squatting in.

“Sorry about that. Black cat crossed my path, had to take the long way. Shinobi are terribly superstitious--you know how it is.”

Kakashi ignored the incredulous stares and set down the dumbass clock that he had to physically fight Anko to get her to give it back to him. For some reason she was absolutely enamored with the clock's chunky build and lack of an actual face. Kakashi did not care to think about it too much. Despite being late to every work commitment he’s had for the past decade or so, he really did not have time to analyze every dumbass idiosyncrasy every single one of his dumbass colleagues had. Dumbass Anko. He hoped his hair didn’t still look singed.

“Your assignment is very simple. You just have to take these two bells from me. But, if you can’t get them by noon you won’t get lunch.”

The dirty looks they gave him kind of reminded him of Pakkun. He was such a grumpy puppy.

“Don’t get a bell, and you’ll be tied to those posts while I eat my lunch in front of you.”

Naruto actually gasped, holy hell, this kid’s priorities needed serious adjustment. Kakashi supposed, with an ever growing sense of dread, that rectifying this also fell on him. They should at least pay him more, geez.

Before Kakashi could finish his explanation, Naruto ran at him in a full body swing which was more suitable for a common street brawler than a trained ninja. Kakashi stepped behind him and caught his arm, pinning it to his back, holding the genin in place.

“I didn’t say start yet,” Kakashi felt his mouth twitch, “but, well, you did come at me with the intent to kill… how to say this, I guess I’m starting to like you.”

Kakashi didn't let the dolt look too pleased with himself, and he released him with a shove. “Your time starts now.”

Instead of shooting off in some other direction like the other two, Naruto stood from where he had been pushed and stared Kakashi down.

“You and me! Right here, right now, fair and square!”

“Compared to the other two, you’re a bit … weird,” Kakashi sighed

“The only thing weird here is your haircut!”

Okay, now that was a bit uncalled for, and Kakashi was more upset with how thoughtlessly dumb the insult was rather than the slight against his hair.

(Though, really, it's not like it was his fault the cosmetics division of the shinobi outfitters still haven't worked out a proper conditioner formula for his hair type.

And also, Anko kept setting it on fire.)

Kakashi didn’t have any more time to be offended as the knucklehead charging at him. In response, the jonin silently reached into his pouch, and Naruto halted and watched the movement of his hand suspiciously.

“Shinobi battle techniques, part one,” Kakashi steadied his voice, trying to work out the giggle that had wormed itself into his throat. “Taijutsu.”

Naruto's eyes bugged out in confusion as Kakashi pulled a book out of his weapon pouch.

“Don’t let this bother you.” He flapped Icha Icha Paradise tauntingly at the brat, amused by how quickly it riled him up.

Naruto grit his teeth and abandoned all caution to charge at the jonin once again. Kakashi supposed that it would have been difficult to get a foe to underestimate him so severely if he were any other person, especially when he had two decades of experience on said opponent. But Copy Ninja Kakashi was a master of deception and cunning, and turning an opponent's mind on themselves was his expertise.

Either that or Naruto truly was that stupid. While the knucklehead left himself wide open, Kakashi slipped behind him and crouched lowly.

“Stop letting your enemy get behind you,” he singsonged and clasped his hands into the ram seal.

“Leaf Ninja Secret Finger Jutsu,” Kakashi growled, “One Thousand Years of Death!”

The drama of it all was almost as satisfying as seeing the little shit launch into the sky and sunk into the lake with a painful looking belly flop. Kakashi didn’t let the sight deter him from his primary goal though, and flipped open Icha Icha Paradise to a completely random page.

“Now, where was I?”

It was only a minute or so before he heard Sakura girlishly gasp as two shuriken flew towards him in what he was sure was a fearsomely sharp arc to an academy student. Making sure not to look up from his book, Kakashi looped his fingers through the shuriken and let them dangle harmlessly between his fingers. He probably looked really cool while doing it, too.

Naruto dragged himself out of the river desperately trying to catch his breath, and instead of finding cover decided that he would rather chat about becoming Hokage or whatever. Kakashi couldn’t really hear him over the sound of his stomach growling. Hah. He could not believe that the no-breakfast ruse worked with every single team he had ever had to test. You would think that word had gotten out by now about how it was a trick, especially since shinobi gossiped about as much as the old bats who frequented the mahjong parlors.

Once Naruto was finished with his jabbering, Kakashi noticed the rippling in the river behind him. Ah. That… is actually pretty clever. Kakashi knew to expect Naruto using one of the forbidden techniques, but he was still astonished by the sheer number of clones Naruto was able to summon. It was laughably easy to turn the jutsu around on the dumbass, though.

It stopped being funny when Naruto, five minutes after he finally had the sense to hide, was caught in a snare trap that a first year academy student might have been able to set up, and Kakashi felt like crying instead.

“Think before you use a jutsu, otherwise your opponent might use it against you. And if the bait is obvious, don’t take it,” he dangled the bell mockingly in the boy’s face. “A ninja must see underneath the underneath.”

“I! Get! It!” Kakashi could not believe that the branch hadn’t snapped with the brat thrashing around so much. This kid must seriously be underweight. Oh, this also going to be his responsibility as his jonin instructor, is that right, lord Hokage? Unbelievable.

“I’m telling you this because you _ don’t _ get it. You _ think _ you get it, which is not the same as _ actually _ getting it. Get it?” His snappy comeback was rudely cut short by two barrages of shuriken hurtling towards him. Ah, the other two.

He had to commend them, if nothing else their instincts were halfway decent. Kakashi cast a light area genjutsu just after his substitution jutsu to finally, finally separate the couple who apparently hadn’t been doing anything but watch him fight this small child for the past 15 minutes. Confident that the two won’t be able to regroup with his genjutsu in play, Kakashi deployed a shadow clone to chase after Sasuke while he followed the flash of pink he saw in the bushes to his left.

It was a quick jog before he saw her crouched nearby one of his decoy clones. _ Sigh _.

“Sakura,” he whispered, “behind you.”

She gasped and hastily whipped around, nearly falling out of her crouch. She used the downward momentum to swing at him, swiping at the bells. Kakashi lightly jumped out of the way and into the surrounding brush. Retreating into the leaves, he observed her as she hastily glanced around, searching for him the sea of green. It was a few moments before she became visibly frustrated, he could see her gritting her teeth from where he was. She was so upset that she screwed her eyes shut, just like she did when he was observing them earlier. In the middle of a battle.

_ Eh? _ Kakashi really, really could not deal with two absolute dumbasses on his team. He could not believe he thought she was some sort of secret Nara love child. Perfect written scores his ass, he bet she cheated somehow. It couldn't have been that hard to fool Mizuki, at least.

Kakashi figured that since things had gone this far he would hold for now, and see just how poorly she took pressure on the field.

A few moments passed and Kakasi was getting impatient, before he was forced out of his hiding spot when two kunai tagged with explosives whizzed right by his head. Seriously? They still sell these things to genin?

The explosions did not do much other than shake the surrounding trees and kick up a fair amount of dust. How annoying. He could not see Sakura anywhere, but he could sense her. Instead of using the diversion and running away, she remained in the engagement zone. She really was as much of an airhead as the other moron. A small foot shot out of the dust, careening right for his head. He dodged it easily, and the girl kept on sailing past to disappear into the falling dust once more. Before it could settle, she set off a couple more tags near his feet. Kakashi lost sight of her faint outline in the falling dust as the explosions plumed to obscure her frame more solidly.

Maybe she was clever after all. On a level playing field, a fresh genin graduate would not stand a chance against a jonin, a basic concept which Naruto (and teams and teams of failed academy graduates) could not grasp. It was basic tactics, if your enemy is stronger, avoid direct engagement.

Still, Sakura couldn’t beat him like this, and she didn’t even seem like she wanted to. Even for a genin, the shuriken she was flinging seemed half-hearted. Why wasn’t she attacking when she had cover? Kakashi’s musings were interrupted when she launched another round of explosion tags at his feet. Weren’t those things expensive? If she was going through so much trouble to maintain the smoke of the debris it just didn’t make sense that she wasn’t going after the bells more aggressively.

Unless. Well, well, well. He was right to be impressed by her intellect after all, even if her taijutsu left much to be desired. The constant detonations weren’t just for distraction and cover, they were a signal. All of the dust and noise completely gave away just where they were in the forest.

She was trying to set up an ambush.

Despite himself, Kakashi smiled widely against his mask. He was really starting to like these kids.

But he could not have the idiot couple reuniting, so the next time Sakura emerged from the dust to throw a punch at him, he grabbed her arm and pumped his chakra through the appendage. She was quick enough to try to break out of his hold, but not quite so to expel all of his chakra from her system before the illusion took over.

He tried to stay impassive as Sakura stilled, staring past him and into the nightmare. Kakashi used this genjutsu many times on many people, though he would never get used to seeing the unique despair on a face so young.

She softly whimpered out something he couldn’t catch before screaming, loud high pitched in a way which carried well over the tree canopies. Kakashi, by years of conditioning, stayed his hands from his ears. Shock quickly overcame her and she thudded heavily on the ground.

“Shinobi battle techniques, part two,” he murmured, “genjutsu. Did I go too far with this one? She was supposed to be a genjutsu type.”

He shrugged and set off to see how Sasuke was doing.

Sasuke wasn't doing well. He seething with utter abhorrence for the indifferent shadow clone towering over his head. For all of his prodigal talents, the Uchiha was too easy to take by surprise. Kakashi silently replaced himself with the clone and peered at him from behind Icha Icha Paradise.

“Damnit,” the brat cursed, breath shaking with rage. “Damnit!”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at him, but continued on with his lesson. “Shinobi battle techniques, part three, ninjutsu. The headhunter jutsu.”

“Damnit!” Sasuke shouted, seemingly unable to do or say anything else; he thrashed around some more.

“Now, now,” Kakashi intoned half-heartedly. “Take it easy, you could really hurt yourself there.”

Sasuke craned his head as far as he could to look the man in the eye. “You bastard, what did you do to her?”

Kakashi looked nonchalant. “That’s no way to talk to your commanding officer, now is it?”

Sasuke’s face twisted into an ugly glare.

“Sakura is just fine," Kakashi said blithely.

“Don’t screw with me! How the hell can she be fine if she was screaming like that!”

Kakashi privately thought that this may had been the loudest anyone has heard Sasuke speak. Outwardly, he rolled his eyes, evidently bored with the conversation, and hunched over his book again.

“You’re letting your emotions cloud your rationality. If you thought about it for a little, instead of throwing a hissy fit, you would realize that I could never actually harm any of you. It was just a little genjutsu. Despite you three being utter hellions, the brass wouldn’t appreciate it if I seriously maimed any of you.”

“What did you show her?” The clan heir managed to look imperious even when he was just a head sticking out of the ground.

Kakashi shrugged. “Dunno. Her worst nightmare? That’s what they call the technique.”

Sasuke clenched his teeth and began thrashing again, neck snapping in several alarming directions. Yikes, the council would not be pleased with him if they had found out that the last Uchiha had given himself whiplash and died an abrupt, underwhelming death under his supervision.

“You’re just going to hurt yourself like that, you know,” he said, trying to calm the preteen again.

“Screw you!” Geez, Kakashi didn’t remember being this rude to Minato-sensei, whose idea was it that he had to be the one to teach this punk?

“We’re gonna have to go over discipline drills after all this.”

Kakashi halted his murmurings with a giggle. “Well, if you pass.”

“Who cares about that! Let me out, I need to-” he choked on whatever thick headed thing he was going to say when Kakashi was suddenly standing right before him, exuding an aura of menace.

“This is your mission,” he said, “and yet you act so careless about it.”

Sasuke stared him down, jaw clenched in frustration. Kakashi could practically see the ends of his hair rising in anger.

Kakashi stood straight out of his customary hunch. “Those who abandon the mission, Uchiha Sasuke, are trash.”

And without another word, Kakashi vanished, leaving Sasuke alone to stare contemptuously at the tall trees looming over him mockingly.

With Sakura out of commission, she wouldn’t be able to aid Sasuke for a long while. Naruto had been lollygagging in his snare, but it looked like he had cut himself free while Kakashi was harassing the other two. Which meant that he was the only one who could be considered still in action.

Well, Kakashi thought, as he strolled back to the center of the clearing, what will you do now?

Despite there being less than half an hour on the clock, Kakashi was feeling uncharacteristically hopeful.

“‘Who cares about that’, hm?” Kakashi’s smile threatened to edge along his mask as he whispered, “such a blatant disregard for your mission, my dear student.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case u didn’t pick up on it sakura is mad pissed at nards for giving her boyf a big old smooch right in front of her  
anyway big big thanks to anyone who has left kudos and comments, it means a lot!  
also s/o to ao3 for fucking up my spacing
> 
> EDIT: u kno what fuck this au the only alternate universe im truly interested in is one where i can restrain myself from uploading a chapter before it's fully proofread and completed.
> 
> ANYWAY, the conclusion to the bell test will be next chapter, and we can hopefully get to the real au part of this au. In case yall were concerned, no i will not be recounting the whole series in such ridiculous detail, like most rewrites, it just takes a little before we can get some real momentum on this thing.
> 
> ALSO it may be uncomfortable to think abt two twelve year olds dating, i assure yall i will be keeping it v v innocent. like they probably wont even smooch until way way later, so like dont even worry abt it.


	3. Sasuke- abusing technicalities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sasuke passes the bell test and is forced to spend far too much time in the presence of Naruto while doing so.

For a long moment, Sasuke could only stare blankly at the space where that damn cyclops stood only seconds ago and grit his jaw hard enough to chew glass. Molten heat bubbled under his skin and his breath came out in short, jagged gasps. He tried to calm down before he got carried away, and thought back to a previous night, when at a rare occasion he felt desperate enough to call Sakura to coax him through his anxieties. He could almost hear her voice, muffled through his phone’s tinny speaker,_ deep breath, Sasuke-kun. Now, hold, hold, hold...release._

He never actually bought a phone--after the massacre, it seemed futile to own a landline at all, and he had told as much to Sakura, who pouted at his candor petulantly. Even so, one morning he woke up to the stupid hunk of plastic that she wordlessly left in his living room after evening tea. Thinking back to the gentle not-too-sweet tang of the blend that Sakura liked to use at least allowed him to unclench his fists. Slowly, slowly, he let out long, tempered breaths, and clenched his eyes shut to try and force some kind of relaxation to take hold of his body.

Just as he had wrangled his heart into an even tempo, he heard the phantom of that bloodcurdling scream echo from the back of his skull. His chest strained painfully against the ground and his entire back ran a damp cold. Sasuke wrenched his eyes open.

He was met to the face of the biggest idiot in the village adorned with the biggest shit-eating grin in the village.

“What? Napping during a test? And here I was running to find Sakura-chan while you-”

“Naruto!” Sasuke snapped, already profoundly fed up with the dolt’s inane drivel. “Let me out already, you goddamn blockhead!”

Anxiety arced along every fiber or his being, if Sasuke wasn’t already so nauseous he would pay more mind to the hot wash of humiliation from having to grovel for help from Naruto of all people.

And of course, the buffoon would not make it easy. Naruto jeered at him instead of being helpful for once in his miserable, pathetic life, “Huuuuuuuh? You got a lotta nerve for someone who’s stuck in the ground like some kinda mole. Why the hell should I help you?”

Sasuke bit and swallowed his pride, and met Naruto’s sneer with a hard stare. The boy must have gleaned something from the disembodied head of his vastly superior teammate, because it was enough to get him to pull out a kunai to chip away at the ground around Sasuke.

“Wait ‘till I tell Sakura-chan about this, there’s no way she’d still be into your stuck up bastardy self if she found out you fell in a hole.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes and huffed. This was unbelievable. Being bailed out by the dead last in class. If any of his clansmen were still alive they would probably disown him out of shame.

Far, far too many minutes later, (did Naruto even own a whetstone? Sasuke had to be at eye level with Naruto’s crotch for way longer than he ever could have wanted.) Sasuke finally managed to shimmy himself out of the ground. Before Naruto say one other asinine thing, Sasuke darted in the direction where he had heard Sakura. To his chagrin, Naruto caught up to him immediately, blathering: “something something Sakura-chan!”

Sasuke scoffed at him and scanned the bushery for any sign of the girl as they darted through the trees.

It wasn’t long until Naruto yapped, “Sasuke, over there!”

Sasuke turned to where he was pointing to Sakura lying prone, frightfully still. He crouched next to her and turned her over on her back to shake her awake.

“Sakura, wake up!” Her brow twitched, but she remained otherwise still.

“Wake up! Sakura!”

Nothing. Sasuke sighed and considered fighting Kakashi alone again. It would be a pain, but it’s not like he had a choice, there was no way that he’s going to ask for Naruto’s help again. And even if he did, Kakashi still only had two bells.

“We should use water, right?”

Sasuke turned to face his teammate who was squatted at Sakura’s other side, scratching his chin in what looked to be actual thought.

“What?”

He continued. “Well, that is the best way to wake anybody up! Splash some water on ‘em.”

“There’s no way we’re doing something that dumb.”

“Why not?” Naruto sputtered. “ You just don’t wanna do it because I suggested it, right?”

Sasuke glared at the blond, incredulous at his stupidity. Dumping water all over Sakura was a sure way of getting her sick, even if the springtime air wasn’t particularly cold. Though it wasn’t surprising that Naruto didn’t seem to understand, they do say that idiots don’t catch colds. Sasuke scowled scornfully at the idiot in question.

“Shut up! If you even think about-”

Sasuke snapped his attention away from the imbecile when he realized that Sakura was starting to stir from where she laid between them.

“Sakura!”

He tried not to show how relieved he was to see Sakura’s eyes finally fluttered open. She looked disoriented, and then in the next second absurdly animated, she reached for him, arms flailing wildly.

“Sasuke-kun! You’re-”

He did not need to hear the rest of her sentence, by the harried, slightly crazed look in her eyes she was still dazed from her encounter with Kakashi. He nodded reassuringly. “It was just a genjutsu.”

She wrapped him a comfortable hug which squeezed dizzyingly on his ribs, but Sasuke couldn’t really find it in him to enjoy it because Naruto staring like a goon. He had his brow screwed at the two of them like he was trying to understand the pile of mold that was slithering around the bottom of his fridge.

“Sakura, you’re hurting me,” Sasuke said. She lightened her vice grip but did not unwrap her arms from around him.

“Geez, you guys are always so lovey-dovey…” Naruto mumbled.

“You know, I found him stuck in the ground! He fell in a hole like some loser, I had to pull him out!”

Sasuke wanted to correct him that he was caught off guard and he was trapped there, by a _jonin_ using _ninjutsu_, Naruto, and not a snare trap that the hokage’s _grandson_ could have set, _Naruto_.

Sakura detached herself from his middle and exclaimed, “that’s right, the bells!”

Sasuke knew that face. Wide-eyed and innocent yet laced with a hint of manic enthusiasm. It was that same face she wore when she dove into the lake at old Uchiha district many, many years ago. The frost edging along the lake’s rocky shore did nothing to deter her from plunging into its depths. After some of the most stressful moments in his life, she clambered onto the bank and shakily handed him that stupid pinwheel that he had dropped with a triumphant, toothy grin. He couldn’t even stutter out any thanks before she was whisked away by chittering clansmen.

Their parents were not as impressed as he was, and they were banned from seeing each other for a week. His mother shook her finger at him and ordered him to take this time to reflect on how their actions affect those around them. The next week Sakura punched a girl so hard that she broke her nose right in front of Iruka. He was punished for that too. After years of similar incidents, he learned that whenever Sakura gave him that same look, it was usually him who had to deal with the aftermath. Sasuke was pulled out of his thoughts of impending chaos by Naruto loudly puzzling over something inconsequential.

“You know, Kakashi-sensei made this whole thing out to be super serious and everything, but I just don’t get it. Why would he put all these genin through an impossible test?” Naruto scratched at his chin, absently and disgustingly picking at an angry red pimple.

Sakura nearly toppled over trying to stand up too fast, so instead of answering, Sasuke ignored him.

“Hey, are you ignoring me?”

Sasuke nodded resolutely. “Sakura, I’ll go get the bells, so you can just stay here.”

He spoke quickly so he wouldn’t waste anymore time. The sooner he left and got the bells, the sooner he and Sakura could start their real ninja training. There was definitely no other reason.

Naruto was still whining about something or another, probably ramen, god, Sasuke really did not care. “I’m supposed to be the main character right? The name of the series is Naruto, right? Seriously, you guys are gonna make me cry.”

He was just about to make his speedy escape-that is- his assault on Kakashi when Sakura caught his arm, grasping painfully where his elbow met his forearm. His spine stiffened against his will and he turned his body in quick jolts to face Sakura.

“Sasuke-kun,” her smile was iron and nails, “I’ll go with you.”

Despite the warning glint in her eye, and his better judgement, Sasuke shook his head. “It’s fine if you stay here.”

“Oh? So you can get your neck stuck in the dirt again?”

Irritated by her words’ cloying veneer, Sasuke felt the muscles of his face freeze and clicked his tongue. In response, she smiled in that overly deferential way that she employed whenever they were harassed by the village elders who claimed to be “checking up” on them.

He still remembers how his mother “gently advised” Sakura on her conduct after she had once lashed out at one of the crotchety retches from the first war who were still puttering around the Uchiha grounds. From where he was crouched in the dirt and his mother’s camellias, he saw that the “advice” was closer to a comprehensive lecture on the proper etiquette a lady of good breeding holds herself to.

For years, he would overhear his mother drone on and on about what it meant to be a true noble. In retrospect, Sasuke was sure that if it was anybody else other than Sakura, they'd have ran back to the ninja playground and never turned back.

_Sakura-chan, listen well, a lady must never compromise her composure for any reason. Sakura-chan, listen well, a lady is only as honorable as her word, nothing more, and nothing less. Sakura-chan, listen well, a lady does not stoop herself down to that of her lessers._

“You’ll only hold me back,” he ground.

Sakura’s face darkened, and the sugary shell of her expression cracked menacingly around her eyes. “Is that so?

“Come on, guys,” Naruto pleaded, “there’s no need to-”

Both twisted to him with the ferocity of hissing snakes. “shut up, Naruto!”

Naruto cowed for a moment, but quickly straightened and snarled, almost animalistically. Normally, Sasuke would not be opposed to showing the dead last his place, but-

** _BRIIIIIING_ **

Kakashi was already upon them, and the small, visible portion of his face looked downright ferocious. Before anybody else could get a word in, the man was already raving like a drill sergeant.

“You three are all a class act of incompetence!”

Naruto looked like he was about to try to jump the jonin again, but was subdued by Kakashi’s glare as he swiveled to stare him down.

“Naruto, it’s all about you, isn’t it? This was supposed to be a test! But you made it about your own motivations! Somehow, you’ve done the unprecedented and have utterly failed all expectations.”

Even as they were all being reprimanded, Sasuke still found great pleasure in watching Naruto’s face crumple in dejection.

“And you two!” Sakura jumped as Kakashi jerked his attention to them. “You worked fine as a pair, but when have you ever seen a genin team made up of two people? It was so obvious I was trying to pit you all against each other. A ninja must look underneath the underneath, but you two didn’t even suspect a thing.”

“Sasuke, you’re so assured with yourself you did not even try to work with Naruto. And not only that, you couldn’t even work with the only other person you’re apparently trying to pass with.”

Sasuke could only click his tongue in response and try not to look too moody.

“Sakura, you were so focused on Sasuke that you didn’t think to rescue Naruto when he could have helped you find your teammate.”

Sakura’s blush of shame sent another wave of indignation roll under Sasuke’s skin.

“And worst of all! You two let a lovers quarrel get in the way of your mission! I honestly don’t know how the Hokage signed off on this team!”

He was quiet, then Kakashi heaved a gargantuan sigh.

“I’m going to give you brats a second chance, against my better judgement. Maybe you can learn what it means to actually be a part of a team, this time. Though with the way you all have been acting, I strongly doubt it.”

“Eat your lunch, build your strength, but Naruto doesn’t get any. It’s his punishment for being the worst one out of all of you.”

And with that, Kakashi left them to their lunch, a billow of colorless smoke in his wake.

All three of them sat (or stood tied to a pole) in a tense, cogent silence. Naruto was staring mournfully at his stomach, lamenting probably his whole life. That’s what Sasuke would be doing. Sakura meanwhile tried to impose an impassive look onto her face, which just meant that she was pissed as hell. Every few seconds she would shoot him a baleful look. For all his mother’s instructions, Sakura could never properly grasp that cold detachment that all clan nobles were expected to carry themselves with. Sasuke always thought that Mikoto loved her more for it.

Deciding to risk her wrath, Sasuke looked up from the “GREAT VALUE!!” sticker that the convenience store stuck on all the bentos that didn’t sell particularly well.

“He’s trying to pit us against this dead weight again,” Sasuke said.

He then muttered under his breath, “not that we could win with all three of us, anyway.”

Predictably, Sakura only gave him a withering glance before pouting and making a show of turning away from him. Part of him was annoyed at her ignoring his olive branch, the larger part of him was overcome with a transcendent veneration of how cute she looked when she scrunched her face like that.

“ARGH!!!! I don’t get it! All this look underneath the underneath is such bull! We’re supposed to be ninja, not chess players!” Naruto’s whining sounded a lot like nails screeching on a chalkboard, Sasuke decided. It immediately chased away the warmth of the adoration he was only just immersed in.

“I’m surprised you know what chess is,” Sasuke bit.

“Shut up, bastard!”

“Enough!” Sakura snapped at both of them.

It wasn’t his fault that Naruto couldn’t even let the fact that he was tied to a post deter him from being the most annoying ninja to graduate from the academy. Well, maybe not graduate.

He turned to Sakura, his gaze set determinedly. “We have to do something, we can’t just sit here.”

Sakura studied him silently from the corner of her eye. She didn’t say anything, but annoyance was still set in her shoulders. Her hooded squint told him, _oh, so now it’s “we”?_

Naruto gaped at him as he whispered loudly, “hey we should just do what Kakashi said, you’re gonna blow this for all of us!”

“Idiot! You’re the one who is going to blow this,” Sasuke hissed. “Don’t look at me!”

Naruto grumbled and returned to looking down at his shoes. Sakura bit at her lip in thought, a habit his mother tried to coax her out of many times.

She finally broke her silence, though tersely.

“We need a plan,” she said.

“We need to get this nitwit off this pole.”

Naruto seethed but didn’t retort.

“Sakura, can you cover me?”

The familiar wash of Sakura’s chakra told him she had cast one of the basic area-genjutsu that they were taught at the academy. She, of course, executed it perfectly, but it wasn’t going to fool Kakashi for long, so Sasuke worked fast.

Just as he untied the rope, Naruto let it drop and tried to scramble away before Sasuke roughly shoved him against the wood again.

“Stand still, hold the rope! Are you trying to give us away?”

Naruto stiffened and palmed the loose rope behind his back so it was taut around his torso. Once it looked like he was still tied to the pole, Sakura let the genjutsu drop.

“You think of anything?” Sasuke murmured to Sakura. She absentmindedly twisted the end of her braid instead of answering him.

“I could use my Shadow Clone Jutsu!”

Sakura blinked in confusion, “shadow… Uzumaki-san, do you mean those weren’t just illusory clones?”

“Eh… no way, Sakura-chan.” Sasuke bristled at the moron’s over-familiar tone. “There’s no way regular clones could have done all that.”

Sakura blinked again, and Sasuke could see the wheels in her head spinning faster and faster.

“We need something he won’t expect,” Sasuke grumbled. “You’ve already used that jutsu.”

Sakura let out a soft gasp.

“Exactly!” she exclaimed with a bright look in her eye.

“In order to do something he won’t expect, we have to use jutsu we’ve already used!”

Naruto's face tangled in confusion. Sasuke was equally lost, but he felt easy seeing a grin play at Sakura’s lips as she quickly relayed what she was thinking.

Naruto was gushing by the time she finished. “That’s awesome, Sakura-chan! You’re so smart!”

“It’s critical that we strike when he isn’t expecting it. The only question is, how do we lure him over here?” Sakura tapped her chin in thought.

Sasuke smirked. “Easy,” he said.

He then turned to Naruto and leveled a mountain of rice to the dope’s face, “open wide.”

“Eh? Bleh!”

Sasuke smugly watched Naruto hack at the grains of rice stuck to the back of his throat. “Give a guy some warning at least, you jerk!”

Sakura clapped her hands in understanding. “I see, good idea, Sasuke-kun!”

Something gnarled its way around Sasuke’s chest as he watched Sakura gingerly hold a piece of thinly sliced meat up to Naruto’s face, who looked far too happy with the situation. Before the food could meet the blond’s gaping mouth, Sasuke snatched the chopsticks from Sakura’s hand and tried to break Naruto’s teeth with them. Whatever Naruto growled at him in retaliation was unheard.

Sakura regarded him blankly, and Sasuke ignored the way his neck burned under her mien growing more knowing. His flush could have melted steel when her face softened with a smile.

“This side of you is so cute, Sasuke-kun.”

“S-shut up.” The command came out softer than he meant it to.

“Hey.” Sasuke forgot the dead last existed for a few blissful seconds. “Can you guys please focus?”

Sasuke wanted to respond by shoving a piece of lettuce down his trachea, but was interrupted by the wracking killer intent of the jonin’s chakra that damn well near flattened them all into the ground.

“You guys,” Kakashi rumbled menacingly.

He grit his teeth and nodded to Sakura, ignoring the way his own fear reflected in her eyes, and they both shot off in different directions.

“Come on now,” the jonin mumbled. “You two are running off again? After all that?”

Sasuke ignored the man and lobbed a kunai to where Sakura was running parallel to him. Searching for the telling glint of metal wire, he caught the kunai she had thrown in kind. He ran a few more paces to the right while Sakura dashed to Kakashi’s left and they exchanged the kunai again.

They had managed to do this several times without Kakashi catching on thanks to Naruto surging from where he was supposed to be tied to the post, joined by a legion of his clones. Kakashi was surprised, but it seemed he was more amused.

“So that’s what you were up to,” he hummed.

Once Sasuke had counted eight throws, he and Sakura ducked into the swarm and cast henges before Kakashi could suspect anything.

In the cacophony, he managed to tag as many clones as he could and waited for Sakura to get into position on the opposite side.

“Now!” Her voice carried high over the screeching and squawks of all the Narutos rampaging the training ground.

In tandem, he and Sakura pulled the wire so it knotted itself around Kakashi, binding his arms and legs until he resembled a worm more than a person.

Kakashi could only grunt in surprise, and Sasuke found a lot of pleasure in the way his eye nearly popped clean out of his skull.

“Naruto!” Sakura barked, far from her usual “ladylike grace”, as she so liked to claim.

“Right!” The sky above them all became a brief sea of orange as its waves crashed into Kakashi’s prone form.

“Secret Ninja Art: Shadow Clone Dogpile!”

As the Narutos descended Sasuke leapt up high above them.

“Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique!”

The resulting gust of the fire activated exploding tags knocked Naruto right on his ass, and Sasuke landed behind Sakura to steady her skidding form.

There was a tense silence in the field as they waited for the debris to settle.

“Did,” Naruto croaked, “did that do it?”

A few more moments crept by in a glacial quiet. Finally, the dust cleared.

“No!” Sakura cried in dismay. “How could he have-!”

Sasuke’s blood ran cold. Right there, where Kakashi should have been, there was only the imprint of the explosion left in the ground.

Naruto shrieked, “Iiiee!!!! There’s nothing there! Did we kill him?! Was he really a ghost?!”

Sasuke found that the dunce’s usual idiocy did not pair well with the stress of the current situation.

“Shut up! There’s no way that’s what happened! He’s still out here somewhere!”

“Phew.” They froze at the voice behind them.

“Scary, scary.” Kakashi nonchalantly shook off the wire like it was string. “You kids sure don’t show any mercy.”

“No way!” Sakura’s voice hitched. “Your hands were…”

Kakashi giggled in that creepy ass way of his. “Now do you understand? This is the strength of a jonin.”

“W-what should we do?” Sakura asked, her tone shaky and brittle. “I didn’t think he would…”

Kakashi clicked his tongue twice at her. “Sakura, you should know better. A ninja should always have a back-up plan, and a back-up plan for that back-up plan.”

Kakashi held both his hands up in a careless shrug. “I would have thought they’d taught that to you at the academy.”

Sakura’s jaw tightened and her eyes widened in panic. Naruto was still reeling on the floor, and Sasuke’s eyes darted around for a loose explosive tag that hadn’t been activated.

“Let’s see.” Kakashi’s, the bastard, tone was easy. “Not only did you disregard a direct order, you also attacked a superior officer while not technically in a training exercise. Now, what to do…” The masked man paced the clearing so his back was turned to them. “So much insubordination in one day.”

The overwhelming roar of the jonin’s killer intent crushed at Sasuke’s esophagus again. The man turned to the three of them, his eye glinting coldly against the harsh stormclouds which seemed to gather around him.

“You three…”

Sasuke turned to find Sakura gripping his elbow, her sorrowful expression holding a silent apology.

Somehow, despite everything, Sasuke felt a great need to comfort her, and gently removed her hand from his elbow to squeeze it reassuringly.

“Pass!”

Their first act as an official team was to wordlessly gape at their new jonin-sensei in shock.

“Eh?” Naruto gasped from his spot somewhere below them.

“You three pass! Excellent teamwork!”

A crow cawed from a nearby tree.

“S-seriously?” Naruto jumped from his spot.

“Seriously.” Kakashi said.

“Seriously-seriously?” Naruto’s voice was the smallest Sasuke had ever heard it.

“Seriously-seriously.” Kakashi nodded indulgently.

“Yahoo!” Naruto, completely forgetting his exhaustion, bounced from the ground and ran around the training ground in circles like a toddler.

From his side, Sakura smiled up at him brilliantly. “Isn’t this great, Sasuke-kun?”

Sasuke was too busy basking in her attention to consider a proper reply, so he only nodded in response. Seeing her beaming so resplendently soothed all of the aches that accumulated from the past few hours.

Naruto finished his marathon and bounded over to where they were standing.

“Hey, hey! Kakashi-sensei it was so cool, wasn’t it?! It was like BAM-BAM-BAM and then Sasuke was there like FWOOSH! And then it was all like BWAAAAM!” Naruto’s fists shook with excitement.

“It was SO cool wasn’t it, sensei?!” Naruto hollered loudly enough that a passing chunin on patrol nearly tumbled onto the ground in surprise. Sakura tried to appear more demure, but the way she was peering bashfully through her lashes gave her want for approval away.

Kakashi seemed to lose a debate with himself and sighed resignedly, “indeed, it was cool.”

“But,” Sasuke actually felt the air change as Kakashi’s posture seemed to straighten. “If I were anybody else, all three of you would be dead.”

Sasuke felt every nerve in his body simultaneously chill and combust.

“Consider this your first real lesson: a surprised ninja is a dead ninja, and a dead ninja has nothing to lose.”

Kakashi looked at each of them in the eye, “on the field, plans rarely fall in the way we want them to, and if I were an enemy, I would have attacked an incapacitated all of you when you had given me such a wide opening.”

Sasuke tried to control the way his breath came out. Of course. What a typical rookie mistake. Never let your guard down, never stop moving, unless you’re sure the enemy is incapacitated. Sakura gently squeezed his hand. It was a moment before he heard Kakashi sigh again with an unnamable tenderness that he recognized in a way that he could not dwell on.

“After all, only the strong can take risks.” Sakura deflated even more than she already had.

“Ugh… you gotta be kidding me.” Naruto scowled in disappointment.

Kakashi ruffled both Sakura and Naruto’s hair. “Don’t you worry, my cute little genin, this is what training is for after all.”

They both gave hesitant smiles, and they were hopeful and bright enough to slightly settle the hurricane churning in the base of Sasuke’s stomach.

Though, Naruto looked like an even bigger moron with that dopey expression.

Kakashi sent them off for the day, casually informing them that tomorrow they would be reporting for their first mission as a team.

After Sakura declined Naruto’s spluttering invitation for celebratory ramen, Sasuke expectantly held out his arm for her to grasp onto for the walk home. She pulled and prodded at him until he conceded trying out the new anmitsu place that had just opened up on a street near the training grounds. The café was cramped, the bench they was sitting on was somehow already sticky, and they were well in earshot of several screeching toddlers romping around a nearby playground.

Sakura dreamily swooned and he found himself agreeing when she insisted that they should partake again soon.

Later that night, despite Sakura’s gentle (unprompted) reassurances, Sasuke couldn’t get what Kakashi said out of his head. Would they have really been…? Sasuke grunted and tried to wrestle his pillow into a more comfortable position. He twisted around his sheets, any respite he had brushed against was chased away by the phantom image of Sakura lying eerily still where he had found her that afternoon.

The fifth time he wrenched his eyes open, he was met with the condescending glare coming off the screen of that damn phone. He stared at the small screen for what seemed like hours.

Eventually, he gave up and rolled over to his nightstand, snatching up the offending device. He dialed the number from memory, his thumb carelessly brushing past the speed dial button as he tapped a button adorned with a green smiley face designed to resemble a phone.

His shoulders relaxed at Sakura’s sleepy, mumbled voice.

“Sasuke-kun?”

A few moments passed in silence, Sasuke was unable to voice why exactly he had succumbed to calling her so late at night. That is, until she spoke with her rarely used impatient voice, to him at least. “I’m going to hang up if you don’t say anything in the next eight seconds,” she intoned brattily.

Well, he didn’t hate this side of her. He told her as much. Listening to her stuttering response and questions as to what had gotten into him, he could imagine her bashful, blushing face. Sasuke allowed a soft smile to brush up against the phone receiver.

He managed to get a few more hours of sleep than he was expecting that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sasuke stop calling naruto an idiot challenge
> 
> ok WOW this chapter really did NOT want to come out, sorry for the delay yall!
> 
> i have a lot of plans for this fic, so i hope the slow updates dont turn you off from following it!  
thats all i got! sorry in advance for all the edits i will probably make after posting this chap! im so sorry!!!


	4. Kakashi- best laid plan-ing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi has a chat with a monkey, three small children about the future of their careers, and another, older monkey who is also Ninja President.

It had taken Asuma two minutes and twenty-seven seconds to stop laughing.

Kakashi picked at a faded stain on the pockmarked tabletop to distract from the irritation welling up in his throat.

“It’s not that funny,” Kakashi grumbled irritably, failing his endeavor. 

Asuma smirked ruefully. “Man, the curse of Team Seven, huh?”

“Not even a day into the mentorship and you’re already pulling out your hair!” Asuma set down his cigarette so he wouldn't crush it when he smacked his hand on the table. 

He abruptly stopped laughing and began to wheeze pathetically instead, which is just what he deserved for building his jutsu on the dirt sticks he so loved to chew on.

“It’s not the curse,” Kakashi said, though Asuma wasn’t listening and was focusing his efforts on hacking out fifteen years of tobacco residue from his lungs. “It’s not like anybody died.”

_ Yet, _ an unhelpful voice sounded from somewhere behind his left temple.

“I don’t even know where to begin with training these kids, I haven’t talked to a person under fourteen for more than forty-five minutes in years.”

“It's not too different from training ANBU recruits, I guess.” Asuma said, finally providing some form of helpful advice. 

He lit a fresh cigarette, further clouding the already murky tavern air with even more smog.

“You just have to find their strengths and weaknesses for them, you know?”

“I guess.”

Asuma regarded him patiently like one would with a rowdy puppy who had wet its bed, and it made Kakashi want to whack the expression right off his goat face.

“Look, you gotta understand these kids don’t know what they’re good at yet. It’s our jobs as teachers to help them figure it out.”

Kakashi wanted to brush off what Asuma was saying; he really wasn’t the coddling type, and these brats didn’t seem the type to be coddled. 

But he remembered Minato-sensei’s gentle encouragement of Rin’s medical jutsu, even at a time in the war when all her peers had all opted to serve as assault units. All the other instructing officers were foolhardy enough to go along with their younger subordinates, and indulged in training an entire generation of ninjutsu soldiers who barely knew how to conjure a Great Fireball. Minato-sensei was different, and Rin ended up serving the war effort far more effectively than many of her peers.

While Asuma was waving for another beer, Kakashi decided to make himself scarce before he tried to pin the tab on him. Everyone knew that at the Ninja Tavern the last to leave the table was the one who picked it up.

The next afternoon, after leaving his charges to droop along the morning dew that beaded the grass they slouched on for hours longer than was recommended, Kakashi tried to implement Asuma’s advice. 

Kakashi cleared his throat in a rough approximation of what a commanding officer is supposed to sound like. 

“Let’s go over a few things. Particularly how you can be more effective shinobi. We should start from the beginning, shall we?”

While Naruto grumbled, Sakura’s eyes lit up with the scholarly acumen he recognized from the eggheads over at T&I.

“Yes, Hatake-sensei, I was hoping that we could talk about yesterday’s exercise,” she piped brightly. 

Kakashi winced at her overly differential way of addressing him, but she was already talking again before he could correct her. 

“Particularly your use of chakra as a form of subjugation, does that particular chakra have any special properties as opposed to others? Does it release only from certain pathways? How does one get the chakra to consolidate to form such an oppressive near-corporal manifestation of chakra? It surely cannot be a constant flow of chakra, or it would be a terrible drain on your reserves, isn’t that right? So in that case-”

“Sakura.” Mercifully, Sasuke found it in himself to interrupt the girl next to him before she drowned the whole field with her questions of midlevel chakra control.

Kakashi found himself winded by the never ending deluge that was Haruno Sakura’s stream of consciousness. Reading the dossiers he had assumed that Sasuke was always hovering around Sakura out of devotion, but maybe it was actually to spare any unassuming chunin or stray jonin from being badgered into giving away any of their techniques.

After a millisecond of terse silence, Kakashi coughed his way out of an aborted chuckle. 

“Well, while I appreciate the enthusiasm, today isn’t about learning new things, it is more about what you already know.”

Sakura pouted and her cheeks puffed so they resembled two small red apples. It was almost endearing, if not for the way Sasuke studied her expression raptly, the tips of his ears flushed and jaw parted slightly in an adoring awe. Gross.

Kakashi continued on gamely, even as Naruto’s vocalization of dismayed boredom almost broke him into laughter.

“From what was given to me of your files and from what I saw yesterday, I already have an idea of what your abilities are. But just to make sure we’re all on the same page, why don’t each of you tell me what you were designated as after your evaluations.”

Predictably, Naruto responded as if he had been wandering the unmapped sands of Wind Country for the past ten years of his life, and not attending a school for ninja.

“Designated?”

Sakura found time in her busy schedule of tracing the lines of Sasuke's palm to enlighten her teammate.

“Perhaps you don’t know Uzumaki-san, since you were passed in an… alternative manner.”

_ Wow Sakura, how diplomatic of you. _

The girl continued.

“After all that’s done in the final exam, the teachers tally up all of your scores and performance over the years and try to assign a designation based on your skillset. The designation is meant to help you choose to pursue certain aspects of ninja training over others.”

Sakura glanced at Kakashi surreptitiously. “If I am to understand correctly, it also impacts which teams you are assigned to as well.”

It was cute how sneaky she thought she was being.

“For example, I was designated as a genjutsu type and Sasuke-kun a taijutsu type.”

Kakashi nodded along to corroborate Sakura’s explanation. Designations were one of the few things the career chunin actually did up at Hokage Tower, it seems that Ninja bureaucracy can be useful after all.

“Wow, it looks like ninja bureaucracy can be useful after all,” Naruto hums in interest. 

“So then, so then,” Naruto points at himself excitedly, “what am I?”

Sakura looked to Kakashi for support, but Kakashi figured it was more fun--that is to say, Kakashi reasoned that he wanted to observe how she would react to somebody looking to her as one might a superior officer.

“Well,” Sakura stalled, “I guess, because of all that chakra you expended yesterday, I would put you as a ninjutsu type? At least according to academy appraisal.”

Naruto grinned in approval. “Hm, ninjutsu type, huh? Seems pretty fitting, I am a powerhouse after all.”

Sakura smiled stiffly and politely, while Sasuke scoffed. Sakura elbowed him before he could say anything that would derail the meeting.

“But I don’t feel like I used that much chakra yesterday,” Naruto mumbled.

“What are you talking about, idiot?” Sasuke snarled, the venom of his words waning under Sakura's disapproving frown. “The clones, they were obviously solid, right?”

“And?” Miraculously, Naruto didn’t rise to the bait.

“That must have taken an incredible amount of chakra.” Sakura spoke and Sasuke looked like he pulled a muscle from rolling his eyes so forcefully. 

“D’aw!” Naruto blushed, completely missing the point.

Sasuke sighed and turned his head to stare dramatically into the middle distance, apparently losing interest. Sakura tilted her head in thought.

“It just doesn’t make sense that you would have difficulty with illusory clones but have no problem making solid…” she mumbled to herself, then redoubled her inspection of the tendons in Sasuke’s palm. 

Kakashi raised both his brows in interest.

“Uzumaki-san,” Sakura unceremoniously dropped Sasuke’s hand, much to the boy’s dismay, “how did you make those clones?”

“Oh, you know, this and that. I just tried really hard, you know.”

For the first time outside of a training exercise, Kakashi caught a glimpse of the temper that had gotten Sakura in so much trouble at the academy. He was certain that he heard a growl escape from her throat and the glare she held could peel the paint off of a signpost. Before Naruto could plead for his life, the thunderous expression wiped from her face, and the girl's cheek spasmed in her efforts to keep herself in check. 

“Well, Uzumaki-san, I do not see the benefit of being so coy when we are teammates. We need to be aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses, after all.”

If Kakashi wasn’t so sure that the girl was speaking more from a sense of nosiness than of doing right by her teammates, he would have been impressed by her resolve in the Will of Fire.

Naruto crossed his arms. “I don’t really get how the technique works, okay? I didn’t really have time to read up on it.”

“Read up on it?” Sakura’s eyes looked like they could power a whole village district with how bright they were shining. “You mean to say that you learned that technique from a scroll-”

“E-E-Eehhhh?!! W-w-who said anything about a forbi- a totally normal scroll?” Naruto jittered, and Sakura’s eyed him in suspicion.

Then, they were suddenly wide in realization. A tense beat of her contemplation was broken swiftly by Sakura’s excitement.

“The security breach at the Hokage residence,” Sakura was downright giddy, in that way nerds often were when they uncovered something they weren’t supposed to, “that was you!”

Naruto's entire body froze, all save for his eyes, which were darting wildly as if to ascertain some mode of escape from this hilarious--regrettable situation he had put himself in. 

For the sake of unit cohesion, Kakashi finally decided to step in. Sakura looked like she was about to pike Naruto on a stick and roast him over the fires of her intellectual gluttony, and Sasuke was far too indulgent to stop her.

“Naruto, I think it’s best to listen to Sakura and start this team meeting from a place of honesty.”

Sakura was too busy stoking the burning inferno that she didn’t notice Sasuke stiffen next to her, but Kakashi definitely did. 

_ This unit has too many secrets for just a genin team, _he thought exasperatedly. 

Naruto held his gaze for a few more moments before he sighed and slouched into himself.

“Alright, alright.”

He then turns to a far too enthused Sakura and a far less enthused Sasuke to tell them how exactly he had managed to pass the genin exam without mastering all three of the basic ninjutsu required.

Sasuke tried to look unaffected through the story, but the expression slipped when he heard of his former teacher’s treason.

Sakura was intrigued for a different reason. 

“So,” she wiggles a little from where she’s sitting on the ground, “to clarify, you did learn that technique in a manner of hours, and you had done so without any demonstration from anybody?”

Uncharacteristically subdued, Naruto nodded.

“That’s-that’s unheard of!” Sakura sat back in shock, clearly reworking her appraisal of her teammate.

Naruto gave her a wide grin.

“I guess so, huh Sakura-chan? (“Please address me as Haruno-san.”) I am pretty awesome when you think about it.”

“Don’t get such a big head, you still can’t cast any of the basic jutsu they teach to eight-year olds,” Sasuke snapped.

“Whatever, man! It’s not like the Shadow Clone Jutsu is that much different from regular clone jutsu,” Naruto said, spectacularly failing to defend himself.

“So that means you can teach it to us, right?” Sakura pounced, her skewer sharp and ready to gut her teammate so all of his innards and expertise would fall free for her perusal. 

Sasuke somehow seemed less than eager to learn anything from the ignoramus who had scored dead last in their graduating class. 

“Well, Sakura-chan (“Like I said, Haruno-san.”), since you asked so nicely…”

Kakashi cleared his throat.

“Again, your initiative is appreciated, but I would strongly advise either of you to try using the Shadow Clone Jutsu.”

Finally, Sasuke looked intrigued. 

“Why not?” he demanded snootily rather than ask politely like one should for a commanding officer.

“Well, besides myself, Naruto is the only person on this team who could use the jutsu effectively,” Kakashi said.

Naruto absolutely exploded in the bright light of sweet, sweet satisfaction, and waggled his eyebrows to antagonize his seething teammate. Sakura gripped the brunette's forearm before the conflict could escalate and waited for Kakashi to finish his explanation. At least one of these knuckleheads held some semblance of patience.

“In order to make a shadow clone, you need to effectively split your chakra in half with each iteration.”

Sakura’s jaw dropped in shock.

“You can’t be serious,” Sasuke growled. 

Naruto looked surprised, Kakashi guessed he really didn’t have a lot of time to read the scroll that closely between all the treason.

“Uzumaki-san,” the inferno had raged far beyond a campfire and was now a danger to the local wildlife, “how many clones did you make, exactly?”

“I… don’t really remember.” Naruto scratched at his head sheepishly.

“You don’t remember,” Sakura repeated in a tight monotone.

“If I had to say,” Naruto squinted in consternation, “I would have to guess twenty?”

Sakura finally managed to snap her mouth shut.

“Though that’s not counting the clones that they made themselves.”

“The clones that they made?!” There went her progress.

Naruto shrugged, for once not reveling in the attention of his crush. Perhaps the manic way she had taken to threading the hair in her braid had shied him away from upsetting her further.

She spun to face Kakashi, eyes wide in a scholarly furor for answers.

Kakashi shrugged. “Seems like Naruto has a lot of chakra.”

Sakura scowled at him, before quickly righting her expression into a more respectful, neutral expression. Her eyes though, silently, respectfully, and neutrally told him that she thought he was full of shit.

Kakashi, despite advocating for honesty, had his hands tied. He couldn’t exactly defy a direct mandate from the Hokage. 

A silence fell over the field, and Kakashi broke it before it could linger. 

“Sakura,” the girl looked up, startled out of her thoughts, “knowing this, what else could you glean of Naruto’s particular skill set?”

She looked confused, but Sakura obliged.

“Well, I guess he would be classified as a ninjutsu type, but…” she trailed off and bit at her thumbnail, unsure if she should continue.

Intrigued, Kakashi nodded at her in encouragement.

“If I were a squad leader, I would be wary of ever deploying one of Naruto’s ninjutsu.”

Naruto looked aghast, and Kakashi had to bite at his cheek to stop from grinning. “And why is that?”

“Well,” Sakura looked uncomfortable trying to explain her thought process. She must have thought he was testing her.

She would be right, but she thought he was testing her on her obedience. It was drilled into young academy minds that you were to never undermine your superior officer, and it seemed like perhaps this line of questioning had Sakura nervous.

“I’m asking you,” Kakashi said gently, not liking how his vocal chords folded when he took that tone.

“Well, doesn’t it seem dangerous?” she spoke after another moment of hesitation. 

Kakashi silently prompted her to continue.

“Like, like for example, if Sasuke-kun put too much chakra into the Great Fireball technique, even if the chakra output was proportional to his chakra mold, then wouldn’t that be dangerous?”

Naruto and Sasuke looked like the conversation was getting further and further away from them. 

“Go on.”

“Right. Even if there was proper chakra balance, how could you use such a large scale attack effectively? Likely, even if you made efforts to make the fireball as potent as possible, the nature of chakra is to find natural pathways and disperse as soon as possible!”

She was so animated that Kakashi barely recognized her. He would have enjoyed seeing his student so happy if Sasuke didn’t look like he was about to take her by the hand so they could go frolic through a field of flowers or something.

“The fireball would be large, but would ultimately lose potency and would put the whole battlefield, including your teammates at risk! Furthermore, this is assuming that you could even control the huge amount of chakra in the first place! The chakra may even combust before you could properly mold it! It makes no sense!”

She spun to face Naruto, whose eyes were wide and mouth was pursed into silence by Sakura’s impromptu lecture.

“That’s why you can’t perform basic jutsu, the chakra mold is too thin. High level jutsu like the Shadow Clone Jutsu force you to reinforce your external pathways and that’s why you could cast it!”

“Don’t you see!?” The blaze has desecrated kilometers of forest, and the village can no longer rely on the natural protection of the Shodaime’s trees any more. 

Naruto shook his head, then nodded his head when Sakura took a deep breath to berate him for not Seeing.

“Naruto! You were evaluated completely wrong!”

Naruto’s eyes, which were set in fear suddenly fell slack, and his expression became unreadable.

“I mean, sure you never paid attention in class, and you barely ever passed the written evaluations, but neither did Inuzuka-san!”

“Oh,” Naruto whispered, “yes, I see.”

The boy coughed.

“I see,” he said again. Kakashi could see his throat contort in his efforts to control it. 

Naruto didn't say anything else, and Sakura settled back down next to Sasuke, who looked torn between being proud and being disgusted by the revelation that his idiot teammate was not as much of an idiot as previously thought. Naruto was silently examining the webs of skin between his fingers and did not seem to want to look up from such an important task. 

“So then, Sakura,” the girl looked up at Kakashi, this time she didn’t startle, “what would you designate Naruto as, then?”

The girl thinks for a moment, then frowns in frustration.

“There are only three designations, and I don’t know if Naruto really fits any of them.”

Naruto still didn't look up from his hands.

“Being a genjutsu type is definitely not right, and he seems a bit too slow to be a taijutsu type.”

She bites her nail again.

“It does not really seem that these designations are much of a tool of team cohesion after all. I would say that Naruto needs to specialize in something else in order to be effective as a ninja.”

“Well, Sakura, you are correct!” The girl blushes at the praise.

“But you are also incorrect.” Sakura's face falls, and Sasuke glares for toying with her so blatantly. 

“Usually designations are more effective for Genin Corp., where the vast majority of your classmates are now reporting for duty. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that as a small team with an instructor of my caliber, you and a few others are on the jonin track.”

Naruto, finally drawn back into the conversation, was somehow surprised.

“Of course, as the year goes on, the prospective future jonin will be thinned further, and more teams will be deferred to the Corp. I fully expect that this team will not be among them.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes, as if to say _ obviously, we knew that already. _

“In any case, designations are generally ineffective for units such as ours. Teams like ours are trained as elite soldiers catered to a specific role.”

“And what role would that be, Hatake-sensei?” Sakura asked even though she looked like she knew the answer.

“Sakura, I ask that you refer to me as Kakashi. Team 7 is traditionally, and will continue to be, our village’s elite assault strike team.”

His proclamation seemed to embolden both Sasuke and Naruto, but Sakura looked a little more apprehensive than earnest.

“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” Naruto said, for once not taken by surprise this entire afternoon. “This team does have the future Hokage as one of its members, after all!”

Sasuke snorted. “You wouldn’t be qualified to be the Hokage of a paper bag.”

“You pickin’ a fight with me?!”

Thankfully, Kakashi and Sakura managed to prevent Sasuke from picking a fight with Naruto, and the rest of the meeting was more of the same. Much of it had Kakashi coaxing Sakura into disclosing what she thought her and her teammates strengths were and how they as a team should be able to work as a skilled unit. By the end, while she had greatly seemed to enjoy being able to flex her brain, Sakura seemed exhausted, and the boys likewise seemed doubly exhausted by mostly just listening in on the so-named team meeting.

“Before we break, I think it would be good if we all had dinner together.” Kakashi spoke before his brain could catch the words with his jaw.

The genin looked unsure.

“I’ll pay,” Kakashi sighed.

That seemed to convince them.

“Since I’m paying, that means I’m choosing.”

Naruto groans.

“Does that mean that you will always be choosing where we eat?” Sakura was back to giving her awkward plastic little smiles. “Surely you do not suggest that us children would pay for your meals?”

“Yeah, Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto jeered.

Sasuke muttered something that sounded vaguely hurtful and insubordinate.

“Sasuke agrees,” Sakura said.

“You guys don’t sound very grateful,” Kakshi mumbled under his breath.

By the time they had arrived at the barbeque place, the sun was already creeping down to meet the canopies of the trees that surrounded the village.

After they sat down at their table, Kakashi was content to let Sakura handle Naruto’s loud insistence that they should get more dumplings.

“Uzumaki-san, please! Protein is the most important source of energy for a growing shinobi!”

The boy pouted petulantly. “What a waste. Kakashi-sensei is the one paying.”

Sasuke tapped the corner of his unopened menu onto the glossy tabletop.

“The meat is more expensive,” he said, but started slightly as if he didn't expect to hear his own voice. 

“Yeah, but I never get to eat as many dumplings as I want.”

Sakura gave Sasuke a silent, unreadable look, to which he responded in kind.

“Uzumaki-san, I’m sure that the meat here tastes much better than the dumplings,” she said after her apparent consultation with Sasuke.

Naruto huffed. “Whatever you say, Sakura-chan. (“It’s Haruno-san.”)”

After the waiter had come to take the order, the four of them had all fallen into mute reflection of the day’s events. 

“So,” Kakashi set his elbow on the table so he could rest his chin on his palm. “How long were you two together?”

Sasuke looked mildly annoyed for the intrusion of his personal affairs, but Sakura answered immediately. 

“Since we were five years old,” she demurred with a blush dusting her cheekbones. 

Kakashi blinked. “Excuse me?”

Sakura sighed, “Sasuke-kun was so cute and romantic.”

Her eyebrows screwed and her eyes squinted, imitating a man’s smolder. 

“I will always protect you, so become my woman.” Her voice lowered an impressive couple of octaves.

She sighed again as she nuzzled into the boy’s arm.

Sasuke was trying his best to look like he wasn’t paying the conversation any heed, but his ears were colored a delightful rosey pink to match his girlfriend’s hair.

Kakashi felt a cool sheen of sweat drip from his forehead.

“Weren’t you kids though? I can’t imagine a five year old being so… manly.”

“Sasuke-kun was always manly to me!” The boy coughed and turned so he could moodily stare out the window.

“Of course.”

Just when Kakashi thought he had gotten a read on these kids. Over the awkward chatter between the new teammates, Kakashi mused over his next course of action. Sakura, who he had almost written off, had proven that she had more value than just a few extra kunai to throw. And now that they had discussed and gotten a deeper understanding of his new team, Kakashi had a significantly more solid idea of how he was going to proceed. Asuma’s advice was useful, shockingly. 

He was brought back to earth by a loud shriek. Speak of the devil.

“What the hell, Naruto!”

He looked up to find Asuma and his team, with their blond savagely punting his own blond into a coma. It looked like Naruto had sprawled his legs out of the booth for any unsuspecting sap to trip over like the delinquent he was while Kakashi was caught up in his planning. 

He returned Asuma’s casual wave and their team exchanged greetings.

“Nara-san, Akimichi-san, Yamanaka-san. It is good to see you all.” 

If Kakashi had learned anything about Sakura from spending only a couple days with her, it was that she was both thoroughly polite and thoroughly thorough. She was rewarded for her efforts with a shy smile from the Akimichi and a barely interested nod from the Nara. The Yamanaka girl on the other hand, returned her unnatural smile with barely veiled derision. Ugh. These high-clan broads.

While Sakura herself wasn’t of any clan, it was well known that the Uchiha matriarch had taken the girl under her wing. There were even whispers of a betrothal in the Ninja sewing circle. Of course, by that point Kakashi hadn’t joined the circle yet, but he would have scoffed in incredulity. Clan politics are a bit too much sometimes, they had barely started at the academy by then. Of course, after learning about Sakura’s somewhat unique abilities it had made some sense that the Uchiha would have wanted her under the clan fold sooner rather than later. Those paranoid kooks must have been perturbed over the possibility of her forceful induction into preemptive training for the wet-works. Geez. It’s not like it was wartime anymore at that point, Kakashi never understood what always had them so spooked. 

Sakura’s boyfriend didn’t seem to share the same sentiments as her when it came to pleasantries, and merely grunted in lieu of greeting. Kakashi watched as Sakura turned to the boy, her smile subtly twitching into a grimace. A silent conversation seemed to had taken place in the half second of eye-contact. 

He grunted again before slightly inclining his head. “Hello.”

Distantly watching Sakura nearly break the Yamanaka girl’s fingers in a whip-fast iron grab after she tried to throw her arms around Sasuke, Kakashi came to a not-so startling conclusion.

The last loyal Uchiha, one of the pillars of the future of Konoha, the rookie of the year himself, was severely, severely whipped.

All throughout the awkward goodbyes and doubly awkward dinner, the realization stuck with Kakashi like burned sugar on a hot skillet. And as it was beginning to slip away from him, it snapped back into focus while he was wrangling Naruto into the convenience store so they could buy him some food that wasn’t ramen. A couple in the store were having a one-sided argument about which drain cleaner they should buy, before they made up for their fight in a very public way. The sickening picture of adoration had reminded him of the young couple. 

The revelation of how much Sakura had Sasuke wrapped around her perfectly manicured finger plagued Kakashi enough that it still lingered when he gave the Hokage his first monthly status report a few weeks later. The question had wormed its way into the back of his head and stubbornly wouldn’t worm its way out. 

“Naruto’s been whining for a while, I think he might just explode,” Kakashi sighed, but it came out softer than he intended, and without any of the venom he would usually inject when giving reports on any unruly ANBU recruits. 

“He keeps saying something about rescuing snow princesses and fist fighting critically acclaimed movie directors for some reason. I think all of that expired food had rotted his brain.”

Lord Hokage raised an eyebrow but didn’t seem too worried.

“That’s normal, genin recruits are always rambunctious for some reason or another.”

Kakashi bit his tongue so he wouldn't say that the reason that genin are “rambunctious” was because they were children going through puberty. He really didn’t want to have to plan his next year around a treason hearing. 

“In any case, I think it’s high time that your team receive its first C-rank mission. That should appease him,” the Hokage said in a tone that invited no input.

“Sir, isn’t it a bit too early for that?” Kakashi croaked half-heartedly. 

Kakashi was somewhat blindsided by the decision, the Hokage was generally a cool head among all the raging nutcases that populated his administration.

“Intel just came back.” The Hokage took a deep drag from his pipe, “Jiraiya has reason to believe that certain forces are mobilizing against us on a large scale. We need your team to be ready as soon as possible.”

“I see.”

Kakashi did see. As fond as he grew of the little brats, he wouldn’t do them any favors by delaying, especially if they don’t have time to linger as genin. 

“Dismissed,” the Hokage pulled out a file to sign, or stare blankly at, or whatever it was that Hokages did up here.

Kakashi gave a salute and turned to leave, footsteps falling jerkily as he decided whether or not he should address one other thing to the Hokage. 

Just as he pulled open the door, he shut it again and turned back to face the old man.

“There’s just one other thing,” he said. 

The Hokage didn’t look up from his paperwork, which by then Kakashi knew for a fact that it was actually just a picture his grandson drew for him at Ninja Kindergarten.

"About Sakura and Sasuke, did you guys. Like how am I-, that is to say, hm." Kakashi huffed. "You knew about them being... entertwined, right?"

The Hokage snorted into his pipe. “Of course we noticed. Kakashi, who do you think I am?”

Kakashi shrugged. “No, I guess I was just wondering why you didn’t do anything about it.”

Sarutobi raised an eyebrow. “Such as?”

Kakashi shrugged lamely again.

The old man sighed, “are they not working well together as a team with Naruto?”

Kakashi shook his head. “No, if nothing else, those two are diligent. They seem to trust each other more than they do Naruto, but that will smooth over with time.”

_ Hopefully. _

“Then?”

Kakashi resisted the urge to kick his foot at the plush carpet bashfully. 

“I guess I just wanted to know what you think of it.”

Sarutobi let out a puff of smoke. 

“It’s a good thing, wouldn't you say? It’s healthy for Sasuke certainly. His type is so detached from the Will of Fire. No real ties to the village. You know how it goes. I shouldn’t have to tell you how valuable the Sharingan is to us, we should take as much insurance as possible so that we always have it at our disposal.”

There was something about the clinical tone the Hokage took when talking about his student that wriggled its way under Kakashi’s skin and settled nauseatingly in his chest.

“But if the girl gives him purpose, then he would fight for the village, and would never do anything to harm it, lest he upset her.”

Kakashi narrowed his eye at him, unimpressed. “Is that so?”

Sarutobi barked out a laugh, startling Kakashi. “Never dated anyone, huh?”

He took another drag from his pipe while Kakashi pouted incredulously. 

“As for them being on a team together, well, it’s just tradition.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Sakura-kun had heard of the tradition and acted accordingly. She is rather resourceful, as I am sure you’re familiar.”

Kakashi sighed, _ a little too familiar, maybe _.

“Lord Hokage, you say all that, but aren’t you just a fan of love stories?”

The Hokage jolted in his seat. “Th-that’s neither here nor there.”

_ Whatever, old man. _

“Well the fact of the matter is that we couldn't put anybody else on the team.” The Hokage continued, tapping out stubborn bits of tobacco that stuck in his pipe.f

“We already have a very promising tracker team, and there’s no breaking the Ino-Shika-Cho formation for capture and interrogation. It almost seems cruel to put a random civilian-born on our elite assault team.”

Kakashi said nothing, but knew as well as anybody that the Hokage could very well be “cruel” if he deemed it necessary.

“For now,” the Hokage ignored Kakashi’s audible inner monologue, “just go about business as usual, and make sure they’re prepared for their first away-mission.”

Kakashi turned to leave one last time.

“Don't forget, Kakashi.” The jonin could not bring himself to face the Hokage, a clear show of insubordination that would have gotten anybody else at least suspended from the force**.**

“This strike team is meant to be our next elite assault force. And a strike team always completes the mission.”

Kakashi swallowed, gave a curt nod, and left without another word. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sasuke this entire chapter: (｡♥_♥｡)
> 
> so we got another kakashi chapter, which might be a little stale by now, this was actually meant to be a naruto chapter, but we’ll be hearing from him next. we’re probably gonna have a few more kakashi chapters while we’re this early in the fic, but we really won't have that many as the story goes on, so just be patient. we will get to our girl Soon haha.
> 
> in other news, this story and i are not dead, and i’m super sorry for slow updates but things have been crizazy lately so writing is suuuuuper slow. anyway i have so much fun stuff planned, like documents on documents of stuff haha. so i really hope you stick around! 
> 
> if any of you have time, i would love some feedback specifically the tone. despite this technically being a crack fic, i do worry that the tone of the story is jumping around a lot, so if anyone has any insight on whether or not i got the balance right please let me know.
> 
> lastly, big, big thanks to everyone who left kudos and commented, your support is really the lifeblood of this fic!


	5. Naruto- spring equinox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto decides that in order to stop being assaulted by B-rank ninbyo masquerading as some noble's pet cat, he has to take his bellyaching to the most important person in the village. Surprisingly, it works, but before he can ride that high for long, his head comes perilously close to being painfully separated from the rest of his body.

Contrary what Sasuke would say, Naruto was not an idiot. Distantly, he was always aware that he was never held in any esteem among his peers, least of all intellectual, but he never truly saw the use in trying to convince them otherwise. He would rather focus on things he could actually change. So, when he recognized that it was pointless to try and be friends with his classmates, he trained his ass off instead. 

Of course, training without any guidance was an exercise in lonely futility. He usually got nowhere with the offhanded suggestions that his teachers would reluctant yield if he bothered them enough. He told himself it didn’t matter and that he could train without their help. Uzumaki Naruto would prove that he didn’t need anybody to be Hokage, and everyone, ashamed by how they misjudged him, would revere him as their Hokage for years and years, as long as he wore the hat.

Despite himself, Naruto still caught stray wishes that he had some sort of instructor to guide him through those long, arduous evening training sessions he spent in one of his neighborhood’s many empty lots where old houses once stood. 

Present Naruto silently cursed Past Naruto for his naivete.

Kakashi was a monster, an ostensibly harmless pervert who read porn in public spaces, but truthfully an absolute monster. Naruto did not have brain capacity to further comment on the older shinobi. All of the synapses in his brain were firing at all cylinders just trying to keep the contents of his stomach, which was mostly just acid, from exploding out of his mouth in the world’s worst attempt at a mud release jutsu.

From the second that Kakashi poofed himself onto the training ground, Naruto understood that Hell on earth was man’s capacity to do evil unto others. The first thing that Kakashi had done was deploy two shadow clones to herd his other two teammates to separate corners of the field. The whole day Naruto peripherally heard the ominous cacophony of clanging kunai and the wails of genjutsu backfire, but could not even glance away from the Kakashi in front of him. 

If Naruto had to make some sort of guess as to what Kakashi was trying to accomplish by beating the ever loving shit out of him while half-heartedly offering throwing passive-aggressive critique over that damn book, it would be that Kakashi liked beating the ever loving shit out of him while half-heartedly throwing passive-aggressive critique over that damn book. 

Finally, finally, after what seemed like several centuries, Kakashi snapped the book shut. Naruto collapses on the ground in relief.

“That should do it for training today.”

Naruto couldn’t see it because his mouth was getting acquainted with how Konoha bermudagrass tasted in the springtime, but he was fairly certain that Kakashi was sporting that special shit-eating smirk which only somebody with one eye and no face could pull off. 

Naruto always thought it was imperative that he be as difficult and sassy as any situation would afford him to, so he gathered all his strength to respond to his instructor. 

“Thank god,” he warbled.

That probably wasn’t his best. But, he was willing to cut himself some slack as he was trying to shove his heart back down his throat. He was fully confident that there will be ample opportunity for zingers in the future. For now though, he was focused on how now, for once, his teammates looked just out of depth as he felt since they all graduated three weeks ago. 

Granted, he just might not have noticed before that point since much of the three weeks was spent adjusting to the reality that Sakura, who he had been in love with for two whole years, was actually his teammate. Which meant that he could actually look at her and talk to her without Iruka throwing chalk at his head. He couldn’t help it, Sakura had such a magnetic presence. It was like she had summoned all the light in the universe and shined it from her big, beautiful, huge, gigantic forehead. He’d wished that Iruka was more understanding, 

Sakura always spoke and carried herself with an unnatural grace, and for years, and Naruto would sigh dreamily after the elegant air that Sakura brought into every space she occupied. She spoke and looked the way he thought that a princess would. Simply being present for when she walked into class primped and pretty was always the highlight of the days he bothered showing up. 

Sure, every time anyone would try to talk to her she would immediately brush them off with an “oh dear, I am afraid I must focus on my studies, please excuse me,” or an “I do apologize but I am afraid I must trouble with some business and cannot tag a carton of eggs to watch it explode,” or even, “I would rather you did not speak with me, Uzumaki-san.”, she was still the prettiest girl in class. 

At the moment though, Sakura looked nothing like that elegant princess of his dreams, but instead like what Moegi looked whenever Konohamaru and Udon chased her around the lake with the millipedes they had found under rocks. Her cheeks were unattractively flushed, her entire front was drenched in sweat, and her red tunic was marked with mud and grass stains. Her normally immaculately styled braid had chunks of its hair loose and the occasional twig haphazardly poking from its side. 

What happened next baffled Naruto so profoundly that he couldn’t find it in himself to react beyond bulging his eyes out of their sockets. 

As soon as Sasuke turned to face her, she abruptly...changed.

She shot up from where she was sprawled, and was miraculously bereft of all sweat and dirt. Her hair had its signature glossy sheen as she smiled winningly at her boyfriend. She answered whatever dumbass question the bastard had asked, Naruto could not be expected to pay attention when somebody was not five paces away from him practicing witchcraft. Naruto knew for a fact that she was not maintaining a henge, one of the many things that Kakashi had drilled into their regime was recognizing when a teammate was deploying chakra for it. It made utilizing Naruto’s Shadow Clone Jutsu as a team much easier and with less confused yelling.

Once he caught up to Kakashi on their way to wherever the hell it was they were going, Naruto shakily asked if shifters were real. 

The exasperated look that Kakashi gave him was worth peace of mind, so he pressed on, “Kakashi-sensei, just look -don’t make it obvious- look at Sakura-chan.”

And sure enough, behind them, the remaining half of their team was engaged in the weirdest dance. The two walked side by side quietly, and Naruto was shocked to feel himself jarred by the absent sight of them holding hands. Sakura was walking slower so she would never fall in Sasuke’s direct line of sight, with her chest heaving and cheeks aflame in exertion. But, as soon as the boy moved to speak to her, she instantly straightened, all grime disintegrated off her person, all so she could smile and bat her doe-eyes at him without any flyaway hairs obscuring his view. 

Naruto gestured to Kakashi and back to the unbelievable scene a few times, raising his brow in a silent, incredulous question. 

Kakashi didn’t seem as appalled as Naruto was expecting him to be, but he did answer his question with a loose shrug. 

“Well, I had a teammate like that too, once,” he said blithely. 

Kakashi got a faraway look in his eye that he sometimes adopted whenever he thought that his genin were being cute. Naruto knew that Kakashi thought he was good at hiding it behind his “I’m your commanding officer, so you guys have to respect me” routine, but it was fairly obvious that Kakashi grew more endeared by his charges by the day.

“She would do the exact same thing. They don’t expend any chakra to do it. If only there was some way to use it on the field…”

Naruto paused, unfamiliar with the feeling of having nothing to say when entrenched in sudden, deep thought. He tugged at the hair at the base of his neck. 

Finally he said, “girls are scary.”

Kakashi didn’t disagree.

It turned out wherever the hell they were going was a less desecrated training ground, where a civilian with a camera was waiting for them. Naruto groaned when he realized what Kakashi had been planning. He wished Kakashi had scheduled the commemorative team photo for a time when he didn’t look like a rat that crawled out of a blender. 

It took nearly ten minutes to take one photo, and that was mostly because the photographer had to stop and ask that Sakura please let go of Sasuke’s arm, please. 

“You guys can’t stand next to each other with a normal distance between you for like, two seconds?” Naruto snapped.

Sakura pouted, and Naruto was almost swayed by the way her bottom lip quivered, but the ache of his aches managed to keep the frown on his face.

“But, it’s such a waste! There’s a photographer here and everything.”

“What's the real waste is the time we've been here! Give me a break, Sakura-chan!”

“Hey, don’t talk to Sakura that way,” Sasuke growled, like the rabid foaming-at-the-mouth son of a bitch he is.

“Don’t you start.” Naruto rolled his eyes. 

Sasuke acted like he owned the village, but the asshole lost his mind the moment somebody looked at his girlfriend wrong. It was beyond pathetic, and usually made days where they had to interact with their peers ten times harder than they needed to be. 

“Now, now. Let’s all get along,” Kakashi said in a tone that was borderline affectionate.

Sakura’s frown did not ease off her face, despite Kakashi’s pleas that the sun was setting and how he really didn’t want to pay for another booking with the photographer.

“Don’t worry, Sakura,” Sasuke said, the edges of his face soft. “There will be plenty of opportunities for photos later.”

Flowers bloomed all around Sakura as she softly gasped, and unshed tears shone from her eyes.

She brought a palm to her cheek. “Sasuke-kun.”

“Alright, let’s get this moving,” the photographer said. “Blondie. In the middle.”

Kakashi planted his hands on the couple’s heads to keep them standing apart, and Naruto wondered what a normal team acted like. 

As the picture was taken, he could practically see the hearts that Sakura was shooting at her boyfriend, that topping the fatigue from the hellish training session, Naruto was unable to keep the exhausted disgust off his face when the shutter snapped. 

Kakashi thanked the photographer and dismissed them, informing them that they’ll be training the next morning again. Another chip at Naruto’s very soul. Before he realized it, the idiot couple was already nowhere to be seen. He left the training ground for home.

Despite leaving a piece of his lung somewhere on training ground #46, Naruto felt restless plopping down on the rickety patio chair he had swiped from the old miser down the road who left it out on his lawn for grabs. He stared blankly at a small section of the peeling wallpaper before he heard an angry growl emanated from his stomach. Right. Dinner. Buzzing his lips, he stood just after he managed to settle his limbs. 

Rustling around his cabinets, he only found an unopened jar of pickles and one moldy eighteenth of the loaf of bread he bought last week. He resigned himself to a cup of sour cream and cheese ramen from the back of a dusty shelf. Apparently, they were trying to capitalize on the popularity of a certain line of potato chips, but it backfired so horribly that the crone at the general store who usually whacked him with a broom gave him fifty cups for just 90 ryo.

He flicked the switch of the electric kettle and stuck his head in the fridge, eyes glazing over the basket of fresh vegetables that Kakashi had thrust onto him. He never expected a jonin instructor to be so meddling. The man claimed that it was his duty as their teacher and jonin to ensure their success, but there was something about the way that Kakashi looked at the three of them that made his skin chafe.

Kakashi fancied himself unreadable because he covered 95% of his face, but his body language always gave him away. Naruto could glean many things just from watching the man, things that he probably would rather his charges didn’t know. Within the first week training under him, Naruto could already tell that the man had a vested interest in their well-being beyond the reasons he had defaulted to about being their superior officer. 

The only person who was more awkward with how much he cared for other people than Kakashi was Sasuke. But it was a pretty close contest. With most of the village hating Naruto's guts and those two forming half of the team, it was no wonder that Sakura was usually the one who spoke with the client of whatever D-rank mission they had been assigned.

It was easy for Naruto to see that Kakashi was hiding something. It was why it put him on edge to know that Kakashi so obviously cared about his new team. The man cared too much far, far too fast, so it didn’t make sense that he would be hiding something.

Naruto learned the hard way that when an adult cared too much, too fast they wanted something. Something beyond what they were claiming. 

Naruto poured the steaming water into the cup, nose wrinkling as the unpleasant aroma of yeast and aged cheese assaulted his olfactory senses. 

If Kakashi cared too much, his teammates cared too little. Sakura had only ever acknowledged him a handful of times, and it was to follow orders from Kakashi, and Sasuke only ever gave him attention to insult him. Naruto told himself it was more of the same story of his entire life so he wouldn't be too affected by their aloofness. Once he proved himself to his teammates, it wouldn’t matter what they had thought of him at first. Well, Sasuke could go pick gum off the pavement with his teeth after Naruto had stolen his girl.

For the time being, he was fine. 

After downing his cup in a few mouthfuls, Naruto laid his aching body onto his concrete slab of a bed and promptly fell asleep.

The monotony of the next day chipped even more from his soul. Training, catching Tora, training, weeding some granny’s garden, training, catching Tora, painting old fences, training, catching Tora. On and on and on and on until the vertigo was just shy enough to make him collapse right in Hokage Tower’s pristine lobby. Instead, he groaned in relief for the jet of cool air that greeted him as the automated doors slid open. Naruto felt like he was just shy of going out of his mind. He snuck a glance at his teammates. Sakura was murmuring something to the bastard who didn’t look like he was listening. God. Why did she put up with him?

He sidled to walk next to them, inconspicuous as to not draw attention from Kakashi. They remained engrossed in whatever weirdass one sided conversation they were having. Too inconspicuous, then. 

“Hey,” he whispered, “don’t tell me you guys are satisfied like this?”

The pair exchanged a glance and Sakura turned to him.

“What’s this about, Uzumaki-san?”

“Don’t give me that!” he whined. “Aren’t you sick of these stupid missions?! That damn demon cat scratched me up more than any training Kakashi-sensei put us through!”

He could see the murderous glint coming off the eyes of the hellbeast flashing from the depths of the carrier that Sasuke held in the hand Sakura wasn’t occupying.

“It can’t be helped, Uzumaki-san. We are just genin after all. And as genin we must all do our part. In fact, it was the Shodiame who…”

Sakura then proceeded to go on a lengthy spiel which lasted the trip up the tower. Naruto really couldn’t find it in him to listen to one of her long-winded homilies of the Will of Fire or whatever it is she was waxing about that day. Naruto didn’t feel too bad, he’d just catch the next one. Sakura would understand.

Until then, Naruto spent the short trek to the mission office planning his attack.

The opportunity presented itself to him like the sun behind a rain cloud.

"If there's nothing else, Team Seven is dismissed."

“You gotta be kidding me with these missions, old man!”

The career chunin murmured and tittered among themselves. Iruka shot up from his place next to the Hokage, palms slamming onto the desk in front of him.

“Naruto!” he exclaims, “you can’t speak to the Hokage like that!”

The old man himself looks like he barely registered that Naruto had said anything, so he didn’t see what the big deal was. 

The Hokage exhaled a cloud of smoke he had been incubating since they entered the room.

“Kakashi.”

Kakashi eyed the Hokage from where he was hovering around a nearby window.

“Is your team fit for a C-rank mission?”

Naruto jaw dropped in elation. That was way, way easier than he could have possibly hoped.

On either side of him (as was their team formation that Kakashi had imposed on them whenever they were reporting at the Tower) Sasuke and Sakura wore similar expressions of disbelief.

Kakashi considered the question, and Naruto thought that he would blow the whole operation for them. The man snapped out of his rumination when the old man cleared his throat meaningfully.

“Yes, Lord Hokage. My team is more than capable.”

Naruto let out a hoot, unable to contain himself any longer. Sasuke glared at him for having more than two emotions, while Sakura was biting at her lip. The hardwood floor in her eye line was about to catch on fire and burn a hole into the ceiling of the room below them from how hard she was staring at it.

Before Naruto could ask her what was wrong, Iruka pleaded with the Hokage, arm outstretched in an appeal for reason.

“Lord Hokage, please reconsider,” he cried. “They’re not even two months out of the academy.”

“Iruka,” the Hokage’s tone was abrupt and stern. “You know as well as I do that there is a reason we must assign them this mission.”

“And what might that reason be, Lord Hokage?” Sakura’s voice was quiet, but cut through the ambient noise of the surrounding offices.

Nobody moved. The Hokage held the girl’s gaze for a long moment.

“We’re at capacity.”

Sakura was silent, but the Hokage had yet to look away from her. Something unspoken charged the air between them. Naruto felt the sweat drip on the back of his neck. 

“I see,” she said after the silent conversation, and the room fell back down to earth. “Then, please do excuse me, Lord Hokage.”

The old man nodded. Sasuke tugged at Sakura’s hand, corralling her closer to the far side of the room.

“You’re in luck, the client happens to still be in the Tower,” Sarutobi continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted. 

The Hokage nodded to one of the lingering chunin, who immediately scrambled off. So cool. Naruto dreamed of the day when he can just nod slightly to surrounding shinobi and they’d go get him a soda or something.

Naruto bounced on his feet, his hands already clammy. What if it was a dignitary from the central city? Or an ancient grizzled samurai who can’t protect himself anymore because of an old injury? A guy like that could probably teach him some cool tricks. Oh! Or maybe a princess, after all?! Naruto turned to Kakashi, since Sakura and Sasuke were still whispering in their corner. He learned to expect that from them a long time ago, being put on an official genin team did little to discourage their old habits.

“Kakashi-sensei, Kakashi-sensei!”

The man inclined his head slightly.

“Who do you think it is? A princess right? She has to be a princess right? A princess would request the great Uzumaki Naruto, huh?”

Kakashi shook his head, gazed at him with the tenderness that always seemed out of place on his nothing-face.

“Nobody can make requests like that. That's why there’s a mission office.”

Kakashi was lying. Naruto knew for a fact that ninja could be requested because he had overheard Mizuki bragging about it once while he was loading cherry bombs into the coffee machine at the teacher’s lounge back at the academy. Naruto let it slide.

“If not a princess, then who?” he asked instead. 

“A merchant, probably.”

Naruto’s face fell.

“How boring.”

“Now, now, Naruto. They are the lifeblood of the continent’s economy. You should be honored to guard such an esteemed figure.”

Naruto opened his mouth to argue, but the clack of the door sliding open shut his mouth.

Naruto whirled around to find… some fat old guy. 

Seriously?

“Seriously?” Naruto groaned quietly, prompting Sakura to shoot him a sharp glare.

“Seriously?” his words slurred around the mouthful of the sake that the geezer took a swig of between sentences, “this is my so-called guard?”

The man grumbles some more, and Naruto heard enough warrant some sort of international dispute.

“Team Seven,” the Hokage said. “Meet your client, Tazuna. You will be guarding him back to his village in the Land of Waves. Tazuna, your guard.”

“What kind of racket is this? Two kids decided to adopt a smaller kid so you call them a team?”

He felt a rage boil inside of him, but the pleasant shock of Sakura’s hand on Naruto’s shoulder stopped it from erupting. He choked when he realized it was actually Sasuke’s hand gripping his shoulder. He shoved the surprisingly slight appendage from his arm, glaring at the boy while doing so.

Kakashi sighed.

“Tazuna-san, please do not worry. These are my genin, and I assure you that I have trained them for these types of missions. You will be safe with us.”

Tazuna eyes blinked over the drunk flush of his cheeks.

“I find that hard to believe, the little one looks like he would lose a fistfight with my grandkid.”

Naruto stopped headbutting Sasuke’s forehead to twist around and face Tazuna.

“Hey, old man! You oughta be careful who you’re talking to that way!” 

He could see Sakura palming her face from the corner of his eye. 

“Oh?” Tazuna grinned too sharp to be friendly, “and who might that be?”

“You’re in the presence of the future Hokage, Uzumaki Naruto!” Naruto tried to give his words some gravitas, and ended up shouting loud enough that a flock of birds had fled a nearby tree.

Iruka exhaled exasperatedly just as Tazuna twisted to face him, forcing the man to choke on his breath.

“You sure I can’t get anyone else?”

“Listen when people are talking to you!” Naruto screeched.

“Tazuna-san,” Kakashi said. “Wave doesn’t have a hidden village, so you may not know this, but all genin teams are assigned with a jonin as their instructor and squad leader. Should these shinobi fail, I will be there to protect you.”

Naruto’s jaw dropped at the betrayal. 

“If you say so,” Tazuna grouches after a bleary drunken deliberation.

“I have to leave tomorrow. Will your team,” Tazuna stressed gratingly, “be ready by then?”

“Of course.”

“Be sure that they are.”

“I just said-”

And like a summer storm, Tazuna was gone as quickly as he had come. 

The Hokage stamped a form, and Iruka slumped back down to his seat, distraught.

“You have your orders.”

Naruto had never felt more distraught, instead of a person of formidable political power who could browbeat the mahjong parlor into lifting his lifetime ban, he had gotten some old fart whose breath smelled like a bread factory. On the other hand, he bet they were the first rookie team who got assigned on an away mission. He couldn't wait to rub it in Kiba’s face.

Kakashi was speaking, but Naruto noticed too late. 

“...the gate at 6:30 sharp, you got that?”

Naruto didn’t get any of that, but said he did anyway.

The next morning, they met at the gate, and Kakashi gave them the pre-mission run-down. The Land of Waves was a small island just off Fire Country's southern shore, they had to take a boat before the last leg of their journey. 

Naruto nodded, but in his head he was already fantasizing of how the ocean breeze would feel after years of the stagnant air of the village.

The first few hours of the journey was uneventful, he would have expected Sasuke and Sakura to break formation to canoodle as they usually did, but they didn't. The pair had their sights set on the treeline, scanning for threats.

With so much vigilance, it was a surprise when the attack came from behind them. Naruto was taking point with the client, so didn’t see much of what had happened, but he managed to barely make out two dark figures dart out of nowhere and hook a gigantic bladed chain around his jonin instructor. 

In a splatter of gore, Kakashi was gone. The black at the edges of his vision made it difficult for Naruto to see where the pieces of him had fallen on the ground. 

“Kakashi-sensei!” he heard himself wail.

His mouth snapped shut when the pair of ninja pounced on them instead. Naruto shuddered violently, unable to move a single step from where he was in stasis. The chain that had just eviscerated his teacher was suddenly lashing to where he and Sakura were standing. Sakura managed to dive down onto the ground to avoid the wildly spinning steel, but Naruto wasn’t so lucky, and the tip of a blade had punctured the back of his hand that he had unconsciously thrown in front of him in a vain attempt of protection. 

Before the teeth could sink further into his flesh, the chain was yanked away by the shuriken that Sasuke flung, tethering its middle onto a nearby tree. 

“Sakura!” he bellowed. “Get it together!” 

But Sakura didn’t move from where she had dropped. She was so still that Naruto thought that she’d stopped breathing. A stab of dread pierced through Naruto's chest as he realized that she had been struck down after all. Naruto was breathing but no air was reaching his lungs, the dark around his vision grew and he could feel sweat pooling in his palms. All he could see was Sakura. Sakura lying on the ground. Sakura lying still on the ground.

“Sakura!” Sasuke cried again.

Naruto couldn’t move, the ice in his veins froze his feet to the ground. Thankfully, it didn’t seem that the attackers were remotely interested in his teammate. They unhooked themselves from the chain, the clasps thunking against the tree trunk, and darted into the brush, completely ignoring all three of them. 

Naruto sucked in another breath. Three? Where was Tazuna? He was just next to him and now he was gone? He probably ran for the woods! For such a tubby old-timer he sure was quick on his feet. 

The telltale blast of an explosion shook Naruto from his reverie. Naruto could just see a sliver of pink retreat further into the cluster of trees to his right. 

“Wh-” he stuttered, still unable to do more than work his jaw uselessly.

“Nice try, girlie,” one of the ninja crowed. “A toddler could see through that little smoke show.”

Naruto looked back at Sakura who was supposed to had been collapsed near his feet. And, sure enough, her prone frame shivered and evaporated into thin air. 

The forest shook again, and that time Naruto saw the instant when one of the ninja had stepped on and triggered the explosive tag that Sakura must have left while she was absconding with Tazuna. The ninja rolled out of the way, but the plume of fire and debris was large enough to spook him still for a few milliseconds. 

He still couldn’t make her out through the foliage, but it seemed like the ninja knew where his teammate was even if he didn’t.

Naruto willed his legs to move. He willed his chakra to form the mold for the Shadow Clone Jutsu, at least. All to no avail. The drawl of his dead teacher echoed through his head.

“Naruto, you have the stamina of 50 shinobi at the very least, with more chakra than that, to boot,” he told him the first afternoon of one-on-one training.

Naruto had puffed with pride at that.

“But you lack any technique, and you do not know how to properly utilize your massive reserves.”

The blond drooped, and Kakashi seemed amused by his dismay.

“For now, your job is to keep your teammates alive. You are familiar with misdirection, with all the pranks you’ve pulled. With your clones, you will keep enemies off of them and buy time.”

“Buying time? That’s it?”

His teacher shook his finger at him.

“Time is a ninja’s most valuable resource.”

Time. Naruto had dismissed it, but with the two foreign ninja closing in on Sakura who was alone and stuck with the liability of guarding their client, catastrophe seemed imminent. Sasuke was fast, but not fast enough. Attempting to process the true bleakness of the current situation, Naruto could do nothing more than suck in a wracking lungful of air. 

Suddenly, Kakashi was there, holding the shinobi in a chokehold in one arm each. 

Naruto found his voice.

“K-Kakashi-sensei!”

The jonin granted him an affable grin.

“Yo,” he chirped. “Good job, team. Sasuke, nice reaction time, Sakura, they saw past your genjutsu, but you did keep the client safe. Securing the objective is what's most important.”

Kakashi contemplated him.

“Naruto,” he said. “You stayed alive.”

The flush of shame was enough to make him want to run up to the Land of Snow and dig himself into a snow mausoleum.

“Sakura!” Sasuke skidded to an abrupt halt to where Sakura was standing still with her kunai in a defensive position. Between the verdant of the leaves, Naruto could see the pale of her hair. Tazuna was nowhere to be seen.

“Sasuke-kun,” she breathed in response. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“No,” Sasuke said, arms hovering around her as if unsure what to do with them after the fighting stopped.

Sakura seemed to decide for him, and she wrapped her arms around him in a painful looking embrace.

“Hey,” Kakashi groused, “we’re still on a mission here.”

For once, Naruto was happy to see his teammates loudly assert their relationship regardless of other people in the vicinity. He had almost thought that they would never have the chance again.

“Naruto,” Kakashi cautioned, “stand very still, mist ninja are notorious for poisoning their weapons. I don’t want it to spread into your bloodstream. Let me take care of these two and then we’ll treat it.”

Tazuna slunk out from of an alcove of trees.

“What happened to you? We all saw you get done in there,” he said.

Kakashi tightened the knot of the rope that held the two hostiles to a large tree.

“Mist ninja,” he rolls his eye, “they all got the same handful of tricks. No way they could've gotten the drop on me.”

He made his way to Naruto, who dutifully did not move a single millimeter. “Can you guys tell me what you did wrong?”

Sasuke scowled. “We weren’t vigilant enough.”

Kakashi shook his head. “Not exactly! Any other guesses?”

Sakura, for once, didn’t seem to have any sort of crackpot theory. Naruto was preoccupied with watching Kakashi tend to his hand. He had always thought that first aid would be more messy, but the cut Kakashi made to bleed out the poison was neat, and the bandage wrapping even neater. Naruto grinned sheepishly as Kakashi finished it with a little bow.

“The puddle,” he said. 

“Puddle?” Sasuke sneered.

“It hasn’t rained in days, so why would there be a puddle on an even trail like this one?”

“It’s so obvious,” Sakura groaned in embarrassment after a few quick seconds of reflection. 

“Well, don’t be so hard on yourself, you guys did just graduate a few weeks ago.”

Kakashi sighed, and Naruto almost missed the lackadaisical demeanor the jonin usually fronted. 

“Truthfully, I didn’t want to leave you all on a lurch like that, but I needed to see if these shinobi were headhunting or on a mission.”

He leveled Tazuna with a stare that gave nothing away.

“Tazuna-san, you being a target elevates this far above a simple escort mission. I don’t know if it was your intention to lie, but the fact of the matter is that such an assignment is better suited for a team of chunin.”

Tazuna doesn’t say anything, and doesn’t look up from the ground.

“Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto cried, shaken from his muteness by the direction that Kakashi was going.

“We can’t just leave this old man! We gotta protect him!”

“ ‘We’?” Sasuke snorted derisively, “all you did was freeze like a chicken, how are you gonna protect anyone, let alone yourself?”

“Sasuke-kun,” Sakura said in a warning tone.

Naruto felt the wash of shame return with a vengeance. The worst part was, Sasuke was right. His teammates may be the most annoying couple on the planet, but they were the ones who bailed him out. That didn’t mean that Sasuke got to be such a jerk about it!

“Shut up, bastard!” Naruto snapped, but he took a breath and shrunk into himself.

“Don’t you think I know that already?” Naruto sighed.

Naruto thought about the flash of fear that ran over Tazuna’s face when the ninja had almost closed in on him. He thought about how slowly the blood flowed out from under Sakura’s still form. He thought about how desperate Sasuke had looked while he was trying to reach Sakura before the Mist ninja.

“Believe me,” he said, turning to Kakashi. “I won’t ever do that again.”

Kakashi didn’t say anything, so Naruto continued.

“Uzumaki Naruto will never stand idly by while others are in danger!” His voice echoed off the leaves and the faces of his bewildered teammates.

“I will protect his old man, and I will never freeze like that again, believe it!”

The forest was still, it was listening to his declaration, and Naruto appreciated the silence.

“In that case, we should press on before we lose any more daylight,” Kakashi said without any pomp.

The rest of that day’s travel was spent in silence. Everyone was on alert, and the back of Naruto’s mind was painfully abuzz with everything that could have gone wrong.

An hour before sunset, Kakashi stopped them at a promising looking clearing with adequate cover. Before leaving to secure the perimeter, he assigned Naruto and Sasuke to set up camp and he left dinner to Sakura. By the time the jonin had returned, both the tents were up and dinner was ready. Naruto was too deafened by his thoughts to start a fight with Sasuke, and Sakura claimed that she was an efficient chef. 

Naruto sniffed disdainfully at the gelatinous and somehow also runny concoction that the girl pridefully ladled into each of their bowls. The eye of a whole unpeeled onion glared at him from his bowl, dried roots formed revolting curled lashes narrowed at him in contempt for all of the insolence he had committed in his life up to that point. 

Noticing Sakura’s probing, hopeful gaze on him, Naruto forced himself to dip his spoon into the-. Into the-. The broth. Naruto sent a silent apology to old man Ichiraku for disrespecting his craft by attributing its name to. To this. 

_ Where did Sakura-chan even find an onion? We’re in the middle of the marshlands, aren’t we? _

Sakura read his thoughts by interpreting the crevices of his brain from the intense study she had imposed onto his forehead, because she advised from across the campfire, “make sure to eat all of that! Vegetable skin has all sorts of important vitamins. A shinobi’s duty is to be in peak physical form, after all!”

Kakashi poked at a potato that refused to give under his spoon. 

“Is that what they’re teaching at the academy?” he asked in a drawl that held no real curiosity. 

Before Naruto could broach commenting anything about the dubious gloop, Kakashi turned on his commanding officer mode and set down his mysteriously empty bowl. There weren’t any traces of the broth staining the bottom. Naruto squinted suspiciously at the jonin.

“Tazuna-san.” The man jolted. Sasuke set aside his own mysteriously clean bowl and leaned forward in interest. 

“It makes no sense why a simple merchant with no wares or caravan would be targeted by mercenaries, let alone ninja. If you want us to properly protect you, you best come clean right now.” 

“Yes, it seems that you do deserve to know, since we’ve come this far.” The man nodded resolutely to himself, trying to psyche himself up. "It's time to tell you all who I really am!"

All three genin leaned forward in anticipation.

“I am known as the Master Bridge Builder, Tazuna!”

“Master,” Sasuke trailed off.

“Bridge Builder?” Sakura finished.

A nearby frog croaked.

“Lame,” Naruto scoffed.

“Disrespectful little brats! Keep your traps shut when your elders are talking!”

Naruto rolled his eyes and resigned himself to the fact that they had the chance to get out of this but he was the one who insisted that his team forge onward to protect this old man. 

“A man named Gato wants me dead before the bridge is built." 

Kakashi made a noise of interest.

"Yes, that Gato, as in the most powerful businessman this side of the continent. He didn’t get to where he is now by playing fair. He showed up on the island a few years ago, claimed he was in it for a business venture. Said there would be a lot of money for the whole island. Of course, all he’s done so far is extort us. The only way we can get anything from the mainland is by making business with him. We’ve been under his thumb for years. He is ruthless, and cannot be underestimated.”

“So what’s the big deal about some bridge?” Naruto wondered. He felt a jolt of annoyance when he saw his teammates shake their heads at him.

Tazuna started from his log.

“It’s not just some bridge!” he sputtered. “It’s going to be the biggest bridge connecting to the mainland. We won’t have to pay Gato whenever we want just to trade, and my people would no longer starve! ”

Tazuna sighed, and he suddenly seemed like he had been holding an ocean's weight of water on his shoulders.

“That is, if Gato releases the Wave.”

“That’s why,” the man swallowed, the shadows of the campfire accentuating the gaunt of his face, “please, you have to help my village!”

Kakashi raised a finger. “Well, it would be a team decision, Tazuna-san.”

“Of course we’ll help you!” Naruto blurted before anyone else could say anything.

From the log next to him, Sakura grumbled, “it’s not like we actually have a choice.”

Sasuke made a comforting noise and grasped her hand. Naruto looked away, embarrassed for them and also himself. 

“It seems we are in agreement, then,” Kakashi smiled.

Tazuna sighed in relief. “Thank you, the Wave owes you a huge debt!”

Naruto grinned, even if the man was a cantankerous old fart, deep down, he really did care for his village. And Naruto found it hard to hate a guy who was willing to go so far for his home. 

They finished dinner over empty, stilted chatter. Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and shotgunned the contents of his bowl. The actual taste was mild at best, there was barely any flavor. What really got him was the texture. The inconsistent soup coupled with the uneven, unpeeled vegetables was enough to make his shudder violently.

Shockingly, Tazuna finished every drop of his bowl, and even asked for seconds, much to Sakura’s obvious delight. The moon was steadily climbing up the sky and they split off into their own activities. Naruto himself was trying to read a scroll on summoning jutsu theory with little success. It had been another thing that Kakashi had bestowed upon him, he handed it over with that mysterious smile of his. It was a clumsy gift, but watching Kakashi tend to his own readings shocked Naruto with a sense of unbidden gratefulness.

It was weird that Kakashi could even see anything on the page, Naruto was uncomfortably intimate with the campfire and he could barely make out ever other word on his scroll. Maybe when shinobi get older it becomes easier to channel chakra into optical pathways?

“Are these two always like this?” Tazuna jerked his chin at the other half of his team. Sakura sat between Sasuke’s legs in a disgusting show of domesticity that Naruto was pretty sure should not have any place near foreign territory.

Sakura didn’t glance from the pile of weapons she was sharpening, and Sasuke’s head didn't budge from where he had planted it between her shoulders.

Naruto felt similarly whenever he had to eat sour cream and cheese ramen, complete with the painful stinging sensation that plagued his nose. 

“Yes,” he huffed. While he was rolling his eyes, he spotted a shooting star. Naruto truly wished with his whole heart that teammates would learn common courtesy. 

That morning, Naruto woke up not remembering when he had fallen asleep, caught off guard to see the surrounding vegetation. After relieving himself in a bush near the campsite, he laid his head back on interlocked fingers and tried to catch the sunrise between the thick of the canopies.

He tried not to think of all that could go wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the brainy girl who is bad at cooking is such a prevalent stereotype ESPECIALLY in the animez, but i really couldnt help myself. unfortunately, the Meme has its grip on my little pea brain.
> 
> also jeez all these characters really hate each other. woof. 
> 
> next chapter!!! we’ll finally get some action!!! all these bitches do here is sit and introspect!!!!! zzzzz BORING!!!!! no more of THAT hot garbage. 
> 
> jk im looking at the roughs for the next chapter and it looks like im physically incapable of shutting these dumb dumbs up, even with all the fuckin knives flying around.
> 
> ANYWAY i hope u enjoyed this one!! Thanks to everyone who left a kudos and special thanks to people who are returning commenters!! It always makes me smile to see u in my inbox :)
> 
> also in case any of u care i will eventually (EVENTUALLY) be pairing Naruto up with somebody later. who? it is a mystery :^). i mean, if my bias for certain pairing dynamics has become obvious 2 u it might actually be pretty clear as the story goes on. but, i will be upfront w yall and tell u its not hinata,,,,so, if ur here for that,,,,sorry, no. 
> 
> before u guys all leave tho,,,, i have one question. why,,,, in shippuden,,,, why did they draw sakura Like That,,,,,,
> 
> everyone, please stay healthy and safe <33333


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